


Bring Color to My Skies

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Car Accident, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Elements, again- sorry), both of them are really hidden and in the second part but just in case, its really depressing so I would say to be careful, no larry even if they live together, oh narry are a thing, smut (poorly written, sorry - Freeform, theres blood in the second part as well but not too descriptive, theyre best friends and that is all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-28 06:23:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7628494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“When did you stop?” The question comes out without an intention of doing so, but it’s said and he can't take it back. He waits patiently, perhaps he’ll get an answer.</p><p>“What?” Zayn looks at him, clear brown eyes on sight, a little different, quite a lot actually.</p><p>It's better to get it out of the way while he still can, before Zayn is ready to run away from him, again. “Loving me.” He says, finally.</p><p>Zayn clutches Louis’ hand harder, it hurts but Louis doesn't complain. He can't complain. </p><p>“It's difficult,” Zayn doesn't look at him, as if he does he’ll get hurt, “I can't be with you.” </p><p>Zayn finishes wrapping Louis’ hand with a bandage. “Why not? I just want to understand.” Louis begs him for answers. </p><p>“It's never the same Louis, you have to let go.”</p><p> </p><p>AU where Zayn gets in a car accident, leaves Louis and a big mystery behind. Louis tries to make sense out of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, this story can be a little confusing because of the things that are said and all that. But its not the deep I'm just not a good writer lol 
> 
> Let's just say it made sense in my head... It also goes really fast but it's meant to do that , I guess?? 
> 
> Anyways, if you read I hope you enjoy. I'll be adding the second part once I finish editing and overthinking about it ha... 
> 
> title from happy little pill by troye Sivan

The darkness of the room taunts him in a way, his vision fading in and out of focus, the blurriness itself not very helpful. The now empty boxes sit on a corner of the room, his room now and the bed in the middle, looks like a boat lost at sea. He's drifting away slowly, each breath he takes is like a journey to forgetfulness.

 

Louis sighs, in attempt to accept the truth of this situation, to accept the fact that he is no longer going to be living with the man he loved for more than three years.

 

It hurts, it hurts so much he can pretend it's all a lie. Pretend that this bed will take him far away, to a place where he can have him. His dreams are his last resort. And he can pretend like staring at the plain white ceiling will help him forget, make him forget about the emotionless disaster. Perhaps even erase the memory of Zayn’s lack of emotion when he told him he didn't want to be with him.

 

The same words play in his head like a broken record, “I don’t want to be with you anymore! Why can’t you understand that?” Louis had asked why, because nothing was making sense, nothing made sense after _that_ accident.

 

Something in him tells him it's not over, the questions in his head won't leave him alone. And he won't leave it at that either. He can't.

 

A knock on the door startles him, waking him up from his day-dream, (more like nightmare). Harry’s low voice comes right after, “Lou, dinner’s ready.”

 

Louis’ palms reach his face, his eyes drowning in the misery of his reality, “I’ll be right there.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

And Louis is certain that Harry is ready to barge in the room and hug him, trying to make him feel better if he says otherwise, “I’m fine Harold, I’ll be right there.” The crack in his voice doesn't help one bit.

 

“Okay.” Harry hesitates, but not long after he walks away, the sound of his steps fade into the distance.

 

Louis rolls over on his side, getting his phone from the nightstand. His eyes close automatically after he unlocks it, in hopes that he’ll see Zayn’s name plastered on the screen. It doesn’t happen.

 

He hopes for something, an explanation, anything, but he doesn't even get an apology. At least not yet, he hopes for the best. That's all he can hold on at the moment. He eventually makes an effort to get up and make his way to the kitchen.

 

The smell of the chicken invades his nostrils as soon as he gets closer, he can't deny it's familiar. Something that makes him remember, a familiarity that is hard to embrace. Anything and everything makes his heart shatter even more.

 

Harry’s small table has two plates of chicken Caesar salad. So much change is hard to take in all at once. One because he was never a fan of healthy food and two because Zayn was okay with it. It somehow all ties back to him, Louis doesn't know if it's good because remembering him warms his heart or terrifying, only because he can't have him.

 

When Louis gets to the table, he dramatically sits on the chair, getting Harry’s attention right away, “Why do you do this to me Harold?” He whines, pouting his lip as if that’d help.

 

Harry lowly laughs, grabbing a piece of chicken and popping it into his mouth. “You'll be okay Lou.” Louis hums, crossing his legs on the chair. The food looks appealing but the thought of it makes his stomach upset. It's not that he's trying to be rude or seem ungrateful but his appetite has been off lately and there's nothing he can really do about it.

 

A few minutes later, Harry eventually finishes his food and leans back on the chair, crossing his arms and staring right at Louis. Louis can pretend like he isn't looking at him but he knows he is. “What?” He asks crossing his arms as well.

 

“You know, Zayn-” Harry stops before he gets all the sentence out, his face drops immediately just like a child when they’ve said something they shouldn't.

 

Louis sighs and turns his whole attention to the food, which is far more interesting than looking at Harry’s sad eyes. Eyes that say so much without saying nothing at all.

 

“I'm sorry Lou. I didn't mean to.”

 

He looks back at Harry, with determination to forget about ‘the one that shall not be named’, he has to take control. “What about Zayn?” He asks, holding his head with his hands. It makes him look more interested. He pretends he's strong enough to listen.

 

“Forget it, I don't know what I was thinking.” Harry awkwardly laughs, shifting in his seat. Looking as if he wants to flee, he really should of have.

 

Louis can't go on like this, pretending like Zayn doesn't exist, pretending like they don't have friends in common. Pretending like their relationship was a farce. It gets tiring, it gets exhausted to the point Louis can't think anymore, to the point that sleep is much appealing than dealing with the turmoil Zayn left behind.

 

And when he thinks about it, Zayn doesn't deserve this much attention. He doesn't deserve sleepless nights from Louis, when he can't sleep because the scene of Zayn leaving him keeps playing on his mind.

 

“Uhh,” Louis tries to assemble his words the best way he can, “it's actually kinda my fault, isn't it? I mean, I could have gone anywhere, somewhere else where I didn't have to think about him all the time.”

 

“Lou, you can't control this. You would think about him, here or anywhere else in the world.”

 

And it's true. He's everywhere.

 

“No,” Louis wants to scream, for no reason at all or for all the reasons, “you're just a good friend, Harry. Of course you would open up your home to take me in. You're just that good.”

 

The clock in the wall in front of him confronts him, telling him his time's running out. His aim of better becomes hopeless. Reality slips from his fingers slowly, but he doesn't know that, he can't see it.

 

Harry clears his throat, getting Louis’ attention. “I'm your best friend, I love you and I want the best for you. It isn't the best thing to do, y’know? You need to forget him, it'll take time but it'll work out.” Louis smiles at him, he really doesn't deserve someone like Harry. “It will get better.”

 

“Right. I should probably stop avoiding him, his name and all things related to him.” Louis says sadly, it has been a month after all. The room hits a excruciating silence, it's hard to bare, “have you- mhm, heard about him?”

 

And then, It's like when you're on a roller coaster and the adrenaline rushes to your brain and once you're all up there, it drops. Leaving no time to gather yourself. No time to think of what's at the bottom, the only thing being the butterflies in your stomach.

 

The mood in the room shifts, it's all good. He believes, good vibes and all. Positivity helps Louis deal a day at a time. One step at a time will do.

 

“Actually,” Harry gets comfortable, ready to spill whatever he's been told, “Niall got him to get some drinks and he said he found a place nearby.”

 

Louis looks at him hopeful. Hopeful that Zayn drunkenly admitted the longing for him. “Oh that's good. Good for him, that he's finding his way and all.” He tries to ignore the awkwardness in his voice, “did he say anything about me?” He asks, almost begging.

 

“Louis?”

 

He doesn't realize what he said was wrong until he feels a cold set of fingers on his hand. He should go. “Okay well, this was nice. Sorry I didn't eat any of your food but I'm not very hungry, I'm sure it was amazing.” Louis gets up from the chair, the air is intoxicating, he needs to lay down and maybe reevaluate his life.

 

“No,” Harry almost shouts, “don't go. And no he didn't mention you.” He looks lost, “what about the movies tonight?”

 

Louis makes a face, playing with his hands, cracking his fingers in the process, “what about it?”

 

“We're definitely going out tonight.” Harry determines. The worriness in his face hasn't left yet.

 

“I'm- I'm busy,” Louis tries but his voice betrays him, he thinks if running would be a good idea but Harry is persistent, so not a good idea at all.

 

Harry laughs, a long laugh, “busy? On a Friday night? You gotta be kidding. What are you gonna do then?” His eyes go all wrinkly and his dimples go on display. Louis fakes being hurt.

 

“Busy, yes. I'm doing some research and it's very important.” Louis lies, confident that it’ll get the point across. Even if busy means laying in his bed, watching the hours go by, watching it go to waste.

 

“I'm sure that can wait. And we are going out, it's not an option.” Harry decides. Then, he gets ups and cleans the kitchen. He places the plates on the sink and says, “I'm not buying you any food by the way.”

 

“Not even popcorn?”

 

\---

 

It's good. Having someone who cares regardless of the excuses Louis makes of not having a social life. It's good having his best friend next to him, watching a movie they both were dying to see. And the fact that Harry still bought him popcorn makes it even better. Perhaps he can get his life together after all. Whether Zayn makes it back into the picture, that's a different story.

 

He really hopes he does.

 

It's late when they get back to Harry's apartment, the stars shining bright upon the sky. They both say their quick good nights and Harry tells him: “see it wasn't so bad after all.” Louis smiles.

 

He enters his room closing the door behind him with ease. The bed looks warm and comfortable. But, something is missing. Or someone.

 

He reluctantly grabs his laptop makes his way to the bed, resting his back on the headboard.

 

The brightness of the screen temporarily blinds him but his eyes soon get used to it. His background is a picture of Zayn and him.

 

There's no escape, he's everywhere.

 

Louis remembers, It was Zayn's last birthday with him.  A surprise party Louis had arranged himself, it was greatly planned if he admits. He had spent endless hours, making sure everything was arranged. his best project yet.

 

All of their friends had surprised him with a big “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” As Zayn walked into their dark apartment. He was proud and so happy, Louis saw it in his eyes.

 

The picture was taken by Harry, ‘a great candid’, he called it. Zayn was sitting down in the sofa, smiling so big he could have blinded the whole city. The whole world. Louis was right next to him.

 

The thing that gets to Louis is how raw it was. How Zayn's smile reached his eyes and how there was literally sparks in them. How he had stayed in his scrubs and still looked so endearing. How Louis was looking at him like he was the only star in the galaxy, and he was (he is). Everything about that was memorable, Louis wishes he could go back in time.

 

And if he could, he would of made him stay longer.

 

He makes himself forget and do what people with broken hearts do. He chuckles because he always disliked people like this. He clicks on the safari widget and awaits for Google to load, it doesn't take long. His fingers ghost over the keyboard, he types,

 

_How to get over someone_

 

They teach you how to love, hold your hand through it all. Thick and thin they say, yet they never teach you about the mess the hurricane leaves. It's cliche but it's true, the ruins can't hold the broken parts together.

 

He browses through multiple websites and blogs, tips and useless, useless advice.

 

If those people claim that it takes time and want, would there really be thousands of web searches of the undesirable. Time, time, time. That's all life is about.

 

After multiple eye rolling to miserable people on the web (including himself). Louis loads up Facebook. He told himself he wasn't going to lurk through it but he has to, not only for Zayn but to show the world he's still alive. He logs into his profile and quickly writes a status.

 

 _Had a great time with my best friend -_ he adds a smiling emoji along with a thumbs up.

 

His cursor slowly makes his way to the search bar, he types in Zayn's name. When he clicks on his name, his heart skips a few beats, it's terrifying but at the same time he's excited to see.

 

And he's devastated, not only did Zayn unfriend him but he also changed his profile picture, which was them, to one of his own. It's not recent he could tell, his hair was longer than the last time he saw him. He looked happier too, it's been awhile since Louis’ seen him.

 

He scrolls through his profile, he hasn't updated anything, except for his relationship status that says: single. _Ouch._ Of course that doesn't hurt Louis, not at all. He clicks on his photos and to no surprise, there's no trace that they were ever once together, not a single picture of him and Louis. It stings more than it should. There's tears rolling down his face.

 

Zayn doesn't deserve this much attention from him, after hurting Louis this much he doesn't deserve it. Not even a small thought. Louis closes the window and sets the laptop on the bed. His blurred eyes focus on a folder on his homescreen,

 

_(z+l)_

 

He desperately opens it and a bunch of pictures of them two show up, he plays in on slideshow. He curls up into a ball and watches the pictures go one by one, the tears in his eyes only letting him see so much. It doesn't matter though, he can still tell when it was taken, what he was feeling.

 

It was all special.

 

\---

 

The rain hits the window slightly, making it sound like tiny bullets or more like a beating heart that's about to break. The rain makes it all the way inside, filling the room with freshness. Louis’ phone buzzes once, lighting up in the cool Saturday morning.

 

_Harry: on my way darling. Went out for a run and the rain caught me :( but, I do have some breakfast. Thought I'd let you know since I'm kinda protecting you from this cruel world. xx_

 

Louis laughs. Cleaning sleep from his eyes, he thinks of a clever response but his wits have kind of faded.

 

_Hurry, I'm getting impatient now._

 

The laptop sits in the same position he left it last night, the battery must of ran out in the middle of the night. Louis hesitantly gets up and plugs it in, setting it on his desk. Without really wanting he prepares himself for a nice hot shower. Some relaxing time will do.

 

Everything's odd. Since the moment he steps in the warm shower, it's not the same. It's past 9 am, he's never out of bed this early, at least not with Zayn. The hot water hits his face like a waterfall of nostalgia. He's _suppose_ to be with Zayn, laying in bed, lazily making out. There would of been slow handjobs to set the mood. Then, turning into something more heated, maybe Zayn's hands roaming to Louis’ bum. All pleasure.

 

And maybe after rounds of messy blowjobs, they would of finally stepped into the shower together. All sticky with love but not bothered, because they would of been together. Louis sighs, longing for Zayn's touch as he washes his body. He needs him so bad, he wants to kiss him and make it better. Only if it were that simple.

 

There's tears threatening to drop from Louis’ eyes but with a lot of willpower he pushes them away. He daydreams about it, like if thinking about it, it would somehow become true.

 

\---

 

Louis gets out the shower just as Harry gets back. He's dressed in comfortable clothing, hair still dripping water from the back, but clean regardless. He makes his way to the kitchen where he hears the rumbling of a paper bag and a smell that is too familiar.

 

Harry turns to look at him just as he gets there, “look what I got,” he jiggles his hands pointing towards the McDonald's in the table. “Isn't this what you love?”

 

Louis laughs and rolls his eyes, sitting down on a chair and pretending this is the best day of his life. “You know me so well,” he says, reaching into the bag and grabbing a mcmuffin.

 

It's good. He's glad he still has a sense of familiarity.

 

Harry sits next to him, chewing slowly on his food, “do you want to go out tonight? Or we can stay and order some pizza.” He tries too hard sometimes, Louis appreciates it.

 

“It's too depressing to go out,” he says idly looking out the window.

 

“Then we’ll stay and watch Netflix or something.” Harry laughs, “don't think I'm leaving you alone tonight.”

 

“I know.” He sarcastically smiles at him but he's glad, he really needs Harry.

 

“Good, we’ll eat pizza, and it’ll be-” Harry's interrupted by his phone ringing on top of the table. He answers it shooting Louis an apologizing smile.

 

The rain keeps hitting the window, it's quite interesting to Louis, he sees a pattern on the way the drops land on the glass and slide down. It's like a race.

 

“I just got called to do a photoshoot, I'll see you later, yeah?” Louis nods. Harry smiles and heads to his room to gather his stuff.

 

Everything is just too depressing.

 

\---

 

There's that saying how there's always a rainbow after the rain, perhaps it's coming. But, the rain hasn't stopped. Even after several naps and several episodes on Netflix, which Louis also had to rewind since he was getting too distracted. Distracted by Zayn, by the mystery and pain he left behind.

 

Why. Why did he just leave, that's all he keeps thinking about. There must be an explanation.

 

Zayn loved him, he was sure of it. He confirmed it every morning, every touch, every ‘I love you’. Now it's all washed away with the rain. With the rain outside, with the many tears that’ve fallen from his eyes.

 

Louis needs to go out, go out for a walk, for a drive whatever gets him out of this miserable place. (No offense to Harry, of course.) it's too depressing outside but yet again so is here.

 

The rain isn't as bad as he thought it would be, not like it's storming anyway. He sits waiting, not sure for what, maybe a place to come to him and make it work out. For a sign. He grips the steering wheel, gets the thought of finding Zayn out of his head.

 

He starts driving, undecided but at least he's out of that place.

 

And he wonders why he would even want to find Zayn, after all the rejection he went through. After the wound Zayn left in his heart, to make sure he never looked at him the same way.

 

It didn't work. It was the same day Zayn reappeared.

 

A loud knock on their apartment door, the rain loud outside, a storm of lies.

 

Dark eyed and different. Louis was ecstatic and Zayn looked so, so different, he ignored him completely and went inside into their room. Without thinking twice Louis followed behind him, only to be faced with suitcases of his clothes scattered all over. “What's wrong?” He softly asked, touching Zayn's forearm.

 

Zayn twitched and moved his arm away, he was cold, quite literal too. He didn't reply back.

 

“I was worried sick about you,” he tried to hide the hurt and rejection in his voice, “everyone was.”

 

Silence.

 

“Please Zayn, look at me.” He said worried so much he could have cried.

 

“What do you want?” Zayn growled and turned to look at him. “I don't want this anymore, can't you see.” He was up in his face, the angriest Louis had ever seen him.

 

“I want you to tell me what's wrong.” Louis crossed his arms and took a few steps back. He was scared. How can that be.

 

Zayn slammed his arms on his sides and continued packing. The room was silent after that, Louis wasn't sure what to do, he was afraid of trying. He thought, that maybe he needed time, after the accident and all. It wasn't a good experience after all.

 

It was not long for Zayn to finish packing, Louis couldn't do anything, he felt powerless and hopeless. But it all seemed so wrong, it was when Zayn was going down the stairs when he knew he had to do something, anything to make him stay.

 

“Wait, no! This isn't right Zayn. You have to tell me. I'm here for you.” Louis followed after him the fastest he could. He had to stop him.

 

“Do you not get it?” His voice was distant, it wasn't anything like Zayn.

 

“I- I don't-”

 

“I don’t want to be with you anymore! Why can’t you understand that?” He yelled, leaving and slamming the door behind him.

 

Louis finds himself driving in the same highway the accident happened, without actually planning it and it's not a good plan to begin with.

 

He remembers the night Zayn returned, vividly.

 

Everything went dark and silent after it. His eyes attacked by inevitable waterfalls, he couldn't stop crying. The floor tile was cold and unwelcoming.  he had to call Harry over to try and make sense of all of it. He couldn't.

 

The rain hasn't stopped but it's just sprinkles at this point, it's past 5, rush hour fading out and that place so near by. He gets this feeling that he must stop, to see and get as much information as he can. It can't be good. His unclear mind can't be any good.

 

It isn't totally dark but the cloudy sky isn't bringing much sunlight.

 

He stops right where there's flowers and letters scattered on the pavement. He carefully pulls over and gets out of his car. He recognizes some of the letters, Zayn's coworkers had placed them when they knew what went down. He recognizes the flowers from Harry, he said he had picked them out himself. That he knew the bouquet was just made for Zayn.

 

The little things that made him smile and held him up, hopeful and enthusiastic that he was going to be found.

 

And he was, perhaps all these little trinkets are useless now. It was the thought that counted anyway. He picks up the letters and flowers and throws them over the barricade against the highway. It leads to some woods and something Louis isn't curious about.

 

Except that he is, this curiosity hits him and he just has to find out what's there, maybe he’ll find some answers.

 

He jumps over the barricade and starts walking down a small hill leading to the woods, there's mud everywhere, his shoes definitely ruined but he keeps walking. He finds some of the letters scattered all around, just like his heart, maybe. It's metaphoric, he decides.

 

One wrong step and down he goes, his ankle twisting in an unpleasant way and his heart dropping to his stomach.

 

He was never careful around nature, it's more like, going with the flow. If you can't fight it, might as well try and own it. He shrugs the fall away and continues walking or leaping deeper into the unknown.

 

He eventually reaches the trees, the dim light from the sky fading a few notches down.

 

It's just like what scary movies are made of, unknown territory and someone dumb enough to look around. Like his life isn't scary enough as it is.

 

There's more trees and birds chirping away. Louis decides it's his little adventure. This time walking carefully in the moist soil. The dirty water remains to be dried.

 

Suddenly, There's a low voice, a murmur, “ _you're not supposed to be here,”_ it brings chills to his skin. He takes a couple of deep breaths and decides it's probably in his imagination. Nothing to worry about other than himself. “ _Get out while you can.”_ And holy shit, that was definitely not in his imagination. Fuck.

 

His breathing becomes hectic. Unable to decide if continuing is the right choice. He stops, closing his eyes until everything becomes focus. Louis brings his hands to his knees and breaths some more.

 

He gets himself together and keeps walking regardless of the voice telling him to do otherwise. Anyone in their right mind would run as fastest as they could and get out.

 

Certain situations lead to decisions Louis wouldn't usually take. He was curious before but after this, he has to know. He looks around his surroundings,even if he's scared. He continues his journey.

 

The trees stop and there's a small cabin, hidden behind some shrubs. It doesn't look friendly. Louis takes small steps to the cabin, unsure on what to expect. He waits outside for any noise, “hello,” he calls out, getting no response. This will probably lead to something really bad or nothing at all. He hopes for the latter.

 

There's a harsh wind, hitting his face and making his cheeks blush. He was never fond of the cold. He tightens his jacket around his body, protective, as if it would help. The wooden door  smells old and rusty just like he had imagine. It's a surprise this cabin is even standing, seeing that it's been here for years, too many.

 

He grabs the doorknob and confidently opens it, only to find emptiness. The cabin actually looks in good shape from the inside, a small bed on the left corner and a two chair table near the tiny kitchen at front. It looks like someone has been spending a good amount of time in here. But, he finds no one.

 

The floor creaks behind him. This is it. “Don't you ever listen?” A soft feminine voice speaks. Louis clutches himself, startled, and turns to look at the stranger.

 

A small girl is standing there, crossed arms and awaiting for a response, she looks like she could be in her early 20’s.

 

Her brown skin has a pale look to it, and her red curly hair is what stands out the most. Quite a look for such tiny frame. Louis doesn't know how to respond so he doesn't.

 

The girl laughs and walks past him, setting a kettle on the small oven. “You don't get a creepy vibe from all this?” She asks. “The curious ones are always the stubborn ones.” She looks at him carefully, then continues to make what appears to be tea.

 

Louis stands there, unsure on what to do. He should have never come here. What was he thinking. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to invade your space or anything like that.” He wasn't thinking.

 

“Doesn't really matter, I come here to pass the time. I was not coming today actually, but something just made me, I'm guessing that's you.” The kettle whistles loudly, too soon for the water in there to be at a boiling point. “The fear, you know? It's intriguing. I could sense that shit miles away.”

 

“Oh,” Louis clears his throat, he doesn't know this person, what does she even know, he needs to get out. “I should probably get going, I-” the fear invades the compact space between them.

 

“Hmm,” she pours the hot water on a cup, “let's talk about the real reason why you're here. Zayn?”

 

Louis’ heart skips a beat, how the hell would she know?

 

It was on the news, the terrible news. but it's impossible for her to know, impossible to know Louis was with him before all this. “You have no right.”

 

The stranger raises her eyebrows, “I do. More than you can imagine. He told me about you, Louis.” She takes a sip of her tea, “you want one? Here why don't you sit down.” She gestures to one of the two chairs on the table.

 

He isn't thinking straight right now, isn't thinking of the consequences, of who she really is. But he nods and takes a seat. There's something controlling about her.

 

She smiles at him and pours him a cup, then joins him, facing him in the opposite chair.

 

“He told me you were unique, I can see why. He said; ‘he's a sensitive person. Hard to forget, easy to hurt.’ And by the look on your face, seems like he already did.”

 

Louis blows on his drink, carefully taking a sip, the hot drink makes its way to his throat and warms up his stomach, “what- what else did he say?”

 

He's curious. Too deep to not know. He's here, he might as well know this mystery.

 

The stranger looks satisfied, she smirks, it makes Louis not want to trust her, “he said it was going to be hard to forget you, but that he had to. I told him he had a chance, to make it work out. He told me; ‘yasmine, you don't understand, I don't want to hurt him.’” She shrugs her shoulders.

 

“Hurt me? I don't get it,” Louis furrows his eyebrows, really fucking confused, “what does that even mean?”

 

Yasmine’s smirk disappears from her face, turning into some type of frown. “Sometimes the poison in our bloodstream makes it hard to trust ourselves. Makes it easy to do things we normally wouldn't do, makes it easy to corrupt our souls. Makes us think the unreasonable.”

 

And what is that even suppose to mean, Louis’ more confused then he was when he got here. “I'm not following.”

 

“That's okay Louis, it’ll make sense when it has to, when you're truly ready to know the truth,” Yasmine's whole demeanor changes, “I'm sorry I couldn't give you the answers you wanted. You should get going.” She smiles at him weakly. Louis’ just at the door when she speaks again, “curiosity killed the cat, remember that.”

 

Yasmine's last smile is sinister and dark. Someone who is definitely up to no good.

 

The whole drive back is a blur, he's wet and dirty from the rain and mud but he can't stop questioning the whole encounter. Who Yasmine is, what does she know about Zayn. What does she know over all. There was something about her, he can't exactly point out. Something that makes him want to know more.

 

It's dark out, the hours have passed mindlessly, he will get to the bottom of this. _Curiosity killed the cat._ He can't let go of all this, all he had with Zayn, it's just not a possibility. He needs him back, cats have nine lives after all.

 

Louis sees Harry’s car right away when he pulls in the parking lot. He sighs, knowing the conversation they're about to have isn't going to be very supportive of Louis’ choices.

 

The apartment is dark except for the light coming from the tv, he sees Harry seating down indulged in one of his favorite shows, he doesn't notice when Louis walks in.

 

Louis carefully takes of his shoes, that are unable to be saved at this point. He clears his throat, “Haz,” Harry jumps, startled, and almost chokes on the piece of pizza in his mouth.

 

“Lou, what the hell?! You scared the sh-, wait what happened to you?” He gets up from the sofa and flicks on the light switch, “where were you? Why are you dirty?” He touches his jacket, getting some mud on his hand.

 

“That doesn't matter. What do you think ‘poison in our bloodstream’ means? I was thinking about,” Louis removes his jacket, “maybe a snake? But I'm not sure how that would be associated with Zayn and whatever happened to him.”

 

“Zayn?” Harry crosses his arms and looks at Louis like he's in big trouble, Louis never liked that look. “Is this mess about him?”

 

Louis looks down, his socks suddenly much more interesting. A blue one and a black mismatched one. “Yes. But, it was all so odd, I'm not sure what to think now. All I know is that, there's so much more to know. So much more that gives the answers I'm looking for, you know? Because nothing made sense after.” At this point he's just rambling.

 

“No Lou, there's nothing more to know. He left. When someone leaves, you let them go.” Harry says, running his hand through his hair. “I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but, you need to let it go.” He's almost apologetic and frustrated at the same time.

 

Louis sighs, feeling sadness build up in his chest and flowing to his eyelids, “it doesn't work like that, I can't let go of something I know isn't right to end.”

 

“Listen,” Harry leans on the wall adjacent to the door, “I know it's hard, I know it takes time but if you're going to keep on holding onto it, can you please not do crazy things like this? I worry about you, I don't want you to get hurt more than you already are.”

 

“I thought you were my best friend, I thought you were going to be supportive and figure what the hell is going on,” Louis stands in front of him, confronting. Harry doesn't look at him. “Fine, I won't do anything crazy and stupid, but trust me I will find out and you're going to regret treating me like I can't do anything for myself! like I'm weak and can't handle rejection.”

 

Harry rolls his eyes, “now you're just picking fights, go ahead Louis, go and hurt yourself more, I won't stop you.” He leaves and walks into the kitchen, “I'll always be here to pick up the pieces, you can't say I'm not a good friend.”

 

Louis walks into his room, letting the darkness inside totally consume him. His skin itches, his clothes cling to his skin, it's uncomfortable.

 

The bathroom light feels like it's burning his skin, so bright it’s annoying. His reflection is a mess, his eyes swollen from tears that want to escape him, he's tired.

 

He still hopes that he's going to wake up any second and see Zayn still here.

 

He left a hole in his heart, he doesn't know how much he took, but it's empty and perhaps he took his sanity too. Maybe he can’t distinguish between reality anymore, it was him all along. It sounds cheesy but there's something missing and it's his love.

 

Time is almost nonexistent when he thinks of Zayn, of all the good memories, of everything good he brought. Louis finds himself laying in bed, finally clean. His consciousness slowing fading into a peaceful state, where he has Zayn and he is happy.

 

_It's morning, it's rare because it's sunny and there's a weight on the other side of the bed. He feels well rested, he feels different. Louis snuggles himself more into the bed, wrapping the blanket closer to his body. He feels someone shift besides him and then there's an arm wrapping around his middle._

 

_“Morning babe,” Louis turns around instantly, unable to comprehend why he's hearing this voice, it's Zayn._

 

_He's here, with him, he has him, again and it makes him want to scream with excitement. There's something that makes him think it's like any other morning. It's the usual._

 

_“Zayn,” Louis whispers, his blue eyes meeting Zayn's brown ones. Louis caresses his face and Zayn melts into his touch. His hair gracefully falling on his face._

 

_“Here,” Zayn carefully grabs Louis’ wrist and turns him around again, allowing his body to rest against Louis’, keeping him close. “Your skin is so soft around here,” he kisses Louis on his shoulder, moving slowly towards his neck. His stubble only burning a little._

 

_“Excuse me? My skin is soft everywhere, if you didn't know.” Louis complains, turning his head to look at Zayn, only able to see half of his face._

 

_“Oh, I know.”  Zayn rubs softly on Louis’ skin, beginning on his rib cage and slowly moving downwards, meeting his hip bone. “It's amazing. Makes me feel tingly and all.”_

 

_Louis laughs at that, falling more into Zayn's embrace._

 

_A few minutes go by, Louis wishes it was always like this._

 

_“I was thinking,” Zayn whispers, “is it weird that I want a family with you?”_

 

_There's a small smile on Louis’ face and a million butterflies furiously dancing in his stomach, “you mean small people running around our house?”_

 

_Zayn laughs, “yeah, yeah. I guess that, but where I come from we call them kids.”_

 

_“It sounds like a lot of responsibility when you say it like that,” Louis adjusts his pillow, “but I would love that, if you promise we’ll be responsible parents together.” The last part meant to sound like a joke but it was more serious than Louis intended._

 

_“You will never be alone.”_

 

_And it all turned out to be a lot  more intimate, like this is actually going to be their plan, a family is now something they both truly want. It feels odd and it's much to take in but it feels pretty amazing._

 

_Zayn kisses his shoulder again and again, “shall we start now?” His hand carefully moving towards Louis’ now hardening dick._

 

_Louis gasps, like it's the most offended he has ever been, “Zayn! You know how I feel about a pregnancy before marriage.” They laugh simoustanly, Zayn continuing his mission._

 

The loud thunder is what wakes him up, it's cloudy outside and from the look of his phone, it's late. He's never been this hard and disappointed ever before, not in the morning anyways.

 

Louis questions if he should get ready and do something with what left he has of his day or if he should keep dwelling on what was a dream. But not too far actually, it was an actual conversation they had and now Louis questions if Zayn was genuine about it. He sure was.

 

Eventually, Louis decides to go out and get distracted, so much time overthinking things that are well done in the past isn't so great. He gets dressed, rain proved, gets his camera and laptop of course. And hopes Harry isn’t out there. Louis can't really face him at the moment.

 

To his luck he isn't, he takes an apple from the fruit basket and heads out. A lot of things running in his head, perhaps too many.

 

He ends up taking a route to what appears to be a trail leading to some woods, he doesn't question it, knowing his subconscious planned it all out. He had no destiny really, he was planning on doing a quick photoshoot wherever his eyes took appeal, guess this is it.

 

There's a few cars parked, the rain is light now but from the look of it, it seems it’ll get worse. He follows the trail regardless. The trees cover the rain in a way, allowing just as little drops to fall on top of Louis’ hooded head. He decides to snap a few pictures, getting the wet trees, it's sort of an aesthetic.

 

The more he walks into the trail, the earthy smell gets stronger. It's pleasing in a way, it allows him to submerge himself in the place.

 

And he knew this is where he was going to end up, the same cabin from yesterday stands at a distance. He can tell it's this one. Not to mention the highway isn't far from here. Louis walks off the trail and walks to his destination. The proper way this time. He snaps a few shots from outside, the rain and trees make it look eerie.

 

It looks exactly the same from last time. It's empty. He really hopes that Yasmine will show up, this time without surprising him. He has a lot of questions.

 

Louis explores the cabin more, getting the details on camera. Minutes pass and no stranger arrives.

 

He decides to sit down and wait just for a few more. His camera hangs from his neck, his fingers intertwining as he sees a piece of paper sticking from under the sugar dispenser in the middle of the table.

 

When he sees no trace of the curly haired girl he decides to check it out. It's a ripped paper from a notebook, the handwriting is messy but easy to read.

 

_I knew you would be back. Remember what I told you. The poison runs free. The doors are locked now._

 

_Y_

 

Poison. What is that supposed to mean. Louis isn't up for decoding some kind of hidden message. But if this is all he has to work with, he’ll take it.

 

The folded note is placed neatly inside Louis’ jacket as he walks back to his car.

 

He finds a cafe nearby, where he takes his laptop and camera to check his pictures out but mainly to pass the time. And perhaps figure out the puzzle he really isn't excited about.

 

The rain outside pours dramatically just as he grabs his coffee and muffin from the counter. He walks to the furthest booth and gets as comfortable as he can.

 

There's a minimal amount of people in the cafe but seeing from the rain, it's understandable. It's peaceful and quiet, so that's what matters to Louis.

 

His stomach is empty except for the apple he ate during the his little driving session. Biting into the blueberry muffin almost feels like heaven, as if he would know. It's just delicious.

 

He takes his time with his muffin but he ends up finishing it too quickly for his liking. Then, he empties the camera's memory card and let's the pictures download into his laptop.

 

He looks at them briefly, continuing to mess around with them, placing effects and all that. Now that he edits them to his liking, he decides to post them on his website.

 

It's been awhile since he's looked at it. Since everything went down it gets harder for him to continue doing the things he once enjoyed. Even if it isn't for fun, he needs this, it gets his needs covered.

 

The pictures display nicely among his other work, blends in just perfectly. Scrolling down his website, he stumbles upon a portrait of Zayn. It was when he was first starting to grow his hair out, Louis had made him take pictures, if for any reason he decided to not go through it, he didn't after all.

 

It's too painful. Maybe spending his time on something else would be better. He goes for that. Louis ends up scrolling through his work emails, hesitant to answer but doing so he doesn't have any weight on his shoulders.

 

He spends the rest of his time scrolling through piles of music to download.

 

The sun starts to peek in through the window as the rain dries up. Louis gathers his stuff. It's past 6pm but with it being summer, the days become longer, harder for Louis, but bearable.

 

And he doesn't get exactly the point of the sun because it's just setting down on the horizon. Everything works in mysterious ways. The ride back is quiet, it's something he's been enjoying quite lately. The thoughts in his head are probably enough for now.

 

The apartment is dark and silent, this time there's no Harry on the couch. His phone rests tightly and cold next to Yasmine's note, he hasn't touched neither, now,  except for his phone. There's a text from Harry. It was sent an hour ago.

 

_At Niall’s. Come join us?_

 

Louis sighs, slightly tempted by the offer but sleep seems more appealing and reasonable for him. He walks to his room, dropping his stuff down and getting ready for bed.

 

Once he's all cozy up and snuggled into the blankets he responds back.

 

_I'll pass._

 

-

 

The sun rays sneak through the window blinds, hitting Louis right on his face. He grunts moving to the other side of the bed, he tries to go back to sleep but impossible once he's fully awaken by the noise outside.

 

Cabinet doors open and close and he swears it's Harry’s voice singing. And of course it is, him being the early bird even after a possible hangover. He needs his secret.

 

After an awakening shower and his morning routine he heads for the kitchen, determined to fix things with Harry.

 

There's no point in being angry at him. Sometimes people are going to support you  and other times they are going to put some sense into your brain. Harry did neither, that's not up for discussion.

 

Harry had been putting groceries away and now concentrating on making breakfast.

 

“Hey,” Louis speaks softly, leaning against the island in the middle of the kitchen.  Harry turns around and smiles softly at him.

 

“Morning Lou. We missed you yesterday.” Harry scrambles the eggs around the pan, careful to not let them stick.

 

“I know. I just wasn't feeling it. I-I wanted to apologize, for the other time.” Louis was never good at apologies, he feels it makes things worse between people.

 

“No, I'm the one who's suppose to be apologizing,” Harry grabs a plate from the cabinet and puts some eggs on it. “I was kind of a dick.” He hands the plate to Louis, “I know it's difficult. I worry too much about you.”

 

Louis fetches a fork from the drawer and takes a seat at the table, “I know you do but maybe I did go a little too far.” The eggs are seasoned just right, “and I'm sorry for that.”

 

He's more sorry about telling him. If he had kept quiet he wouldn't be doing this.

 

Harry pours two cups of coffee and takes them to the table, finally getting his food and taking a seat. “I get it, I suppose. You know it's like when my grams passed away. She was someone important and it was devastating when she was gone.”

 

“It's not the same.”

 

Harry pursues his lips, “you're right. But I get it and that's what I want you to know. You're not alone.”

 

Louis doesn't like his tone, doesn't like the way he makes it seem as Zayn is no longer with them, as if Zayn’s and Louis’ relationship is down the drain.

 

Literally, he's not with Louis but he is here, somewhere. The emptiness in his chest keeps getting bigger. “I know, I know. But all good, right?”

 

“Of course.”

 

They eat breakfast in a comfortable silence, that is until Harry has to leave for work and Louis is all by himself.

 

To say that going into the woods is a good idea is really a mistake but Louis can't help it. It almost feels like he has no self control, it's terrifying but he still feels, the pain, the emptiness. There's that kind of control.

 

It turns into a routine, waking up, eating breakfast or not (his stomach has been against him lately, he can barely keep an apple in when he needs to bring it back out) and heading out to the same woods. Still no trace of Yasmine, no trace of Zayn and he's still hopeful. He heads to the cafe nearby and spends his time there. Sometimes he daydreams, of Zayn, who else. He swears there's time he sees him among the crowds, of course it's never true. He needs to see him.

 

It's sad to say Zayn just doesn't want anything with him, Louis still waits for that text, for anything. Anything that would bring him some kind of explanation for Zayn's decision. Something he can cling on, forgive him and perhaps move on. He needs closure. How, when he can't even forgive himself.

 

Said routine happens for a week until Harry nicely confronts him and tells him he needs to pay rent.

 

Money is tight, especially when he spends it on mindless coffee trips. Harry is aware of what's happening but he doesn't want to acknowledge it, at least he doesn't say anything. he just sympathizes Louis. That's fine for him.

 

Eventually, he starts working here and there, doing photo shoots that help him get by. Harry doesn't tell him anything after that. They have quick conversations in the morning and then go their own way.

 

He's asked to go out, Niall, Harry and Liam, as well as some other lads but at this point he's too tired to do anything. he doesn't want to infect them with his negativity.

 

He would rather keep that to himself. It's better, the pain is not gone but he's able to cope with it to the best of his ability.

 

Nights are spent alone in his room or at times at a random club across the city.

 

He's numb, unknowingly arriving in places that are like poison to him. He wonders if that's what Yasmine meant.

 

He fades among the crowd of strangers, craving for something that would get his adrenaline pumping.

 

At times, he finds himself in a bathroom stall with a stranger on his knees, sucking him off. Compliments and a few drinks beforehand, but they can't buy his love.

 

It wasn't fun but it got him off and the strangers were desperate to get something going. He never opposed. Sad faces that didn't mean anything to him, that's all it was.

 

It's sad to say the least, he doesn't recall when he reached this low but he did and it's so fucking sad. To see his dignity blend into walls of lust and incomprehension.

 

He can't feel anything after.  The orgasms can only bring happiness for so long. The high of release and the low of devastation.

 

It's this one night he comes home from work, it's empty, being Friday and Harry out with some friends (which Louis declined his offer as well). He has a bottle of wine one of his customers gave him as a thank you.

 

That's the night he remembers how good alcohol makes him feel, how easy is to forget and get inside an ecstatic mood. It's fun and forgettable. He's down for that.

 

He stops counting after the third drink. Soon starting to forget, his hands numbing yet able to keep the glasses going.

 

Just as he's about to refill the glass, his grasp loosens around it and slides from his hand, reaching the kitchen floor with a loud clang. The shattered pieces go everywhere.

 

He's buzzed but not to the point of drunk, he's still aware of time and all that stuff drunk people aren't. He’s aware of his mess.

 

He kneels down and starts picking up the broken glass, his hands shaking slightly as he grabs the smaller pieces. Shit, he should of been more careful.

 

There's a bigger glass and he thinks he picks it up carefully but it's quite the opposite. The glass stabs his right palm and the blood comes gushing out immediately.

 

The bright scarlet red brings him to his senses, he crashes down hard, sobering up as the painful sting reaches his brain.

 

The cold water from the faucet calms the pain but Louis can't help from wincing. The blood doesn't stop, he grabs a towel and wraps his hand around, the blood stains it instantly.

 

At this point, he doesn't remember any first aid kit in the house so he’ll have to go get some himself.

 

This nonsense of good ideas needs to stop.

 

It's not like he needs the hospital anyways,  it's a lot of blood but hospitals require a lot of waiting and he doesn't really need that right now.

 

He quickly grabs his keys, keeping his bleeding hand wrapped around the towel and heads to the drugstore.

 

He's walking down the apartment complex hallway when he hears a call of his name, the voice is so familiar, it's haunting even. He ignores it and, “Louis.” This time more louder and that's when he turns around.

 

Louis’ heart starts beating faster, he doesn't know if it's the loss of blood or because Zayn is standing a few feet away. He decides for both.

 

Each step is carefully planted on the floor, trying to get as much reality of it. It's real, because Zayn's features start falling more into place. He's in his scrubs and he has a buzz cut, he looks much different. Pale, empty eyes.

 

Once Louis reaches him, Zayn looks down at his hand with panicking eyes. “Lou, what the hell happened to you!?” He exclaims, trying to reach for his hand but Louis retracts.

 

Louis winces, “It hurts, it was an accident.”

 

“Here, let me see it, maybe I can do something.” Louis nods and starts walking back to his apartment where Zayn follows almost hesitantly. Zayn sets his first aid kit on the table and gestures for Louis to take a sit. He follows.

 

It's silent and awkward for a while, Louis wants to say something, but nothing comes to mind. It must be the pounding on his hand or maybe the shock. Zayn continues to examine his wound and rubs peroxide to clean the blood and disinfect it.

 

Zayn breaks the silence, “it's not that bad, I'll just clean it up some more and bandage it.” Louis nods, unable to keep his eyes away from Zayn. He's beautiful, like he's always been. But it hurts, because he has him so close and yet he’ll end up leaving. He needs to do something. It's now or never.

 

“Why are you here?” Louis asks, his tone unwelcoming.  He doesn't know anymore.

 

“Work,” Zayn's eyes him quickly, “I'm still a nurse. I wasn’t planning on doing this.” he’s almost accusing.

 

Louis nods, clenching his good hand on his knee only because he can’t scream.

 

Thirty seconds go by, he counted.

 

“When did you stop?” The question comes out without an intention of doing so, but it’s said and he can't take it back. He waits patiently, perhaps he’ll get an answer.

 

“What?” Zayn looks at him, clear brown eyes on sight, a little different, quite a lot actually.

 

It's better to get it out of the way while he still can, before Zayn is ready to run away from him, again. “Loving me.” He says, finally.

 

Zayn clutches Louis’ hand harder, it hurts but Louis doesn't complain. He can't complain.

 

“It's difficult,” Zayn doesn't look at him, as if he does he’ll get hurt, “I can't be with you.”

 

Zayn finishes wrapping Louis’ hand with a bandage. “Why not? I just want to understand.” Louis begs him for answers.

 

“It's never the same Louis, you have to let go.” Zayn packs his stuff, he's ready to run, Louis knows but he won't allow it.

 

“Please,” Louis stands up in front him, planting his good hand on his chest and leaning down to meet his eyes, “I need you.” He carefully places his lips on Zayn's and lets the heat of the moment take off.

 

Zayn’s hesitant for a moment but follows his lips, sinking each second into each other's touch. Louis holds Zayn's hand and starts leading him to his room. It's so innocent and so normal, things can get better.

 

They make it to his room and Zayn is careful to place Louis on the bed and lay on top of him. They continue kissing, savouring each other. Zayn starts kissing down his neck, taking his time with each kiss he leaves there. “So soft darling,” he whispers against his neck.

 

Louis chuckles, everything is just like before, maybe he can have him back, “I missed you so much love,” Louis confesses, letting Zayn explore his body.

 

It's not long before they're both hard and aching for more skin to skin contact. Louis’ missed it so much and it looks like Zayn has too.

 

Zayn helps Louis with his shirt, once it hits the floor, he starts placing small kisses down his body. Louis moans. Zayn continues to move downward and once he reaches Louis’ crotch, he removes his own shirt.

 

There's so much in Zayn’s eyes at once, lust, want, and love.

 

His mouth ghosts against Louis’ hard dick, unbuttoning his jeans and pulling them down along with his boxers. Louis blushes as his dick is set free but he loves it regardless.

 

He meets Louis’ eyes with a smirk, then kisses his inner thighs making his way to his hole. He's careful when his tongue lands on his rim, gently licking away, making Louis moan in pleasure.

 

It's insane how Zayn can make him feel, make him want it so bad, always.

 

He eats him out until Louis is too close, so close to his orgasm he can almost cry.

 

Their lips meet again, it feels dirty but so hot and it makes Louis more needy, wanting for Zayn to be inside him. He has missed it so much.

 

“...Have to be careful babe,” Zayn whispers, opening up the night stand drawer and fetching the lube from inside. He coats his fingers and slowly starts opening Louis’ hole. Filling him up so deliciously.

 

“We always are love. I’ve missed you so much, I need you.”

 

Zayn enters him carefully, slowly, he starts building a rhythm, filling Louis up just the way he likes it. He fucks him until they're both sweating and moaning for release.

 

Louis’ the first to come, his orgasm hitting him hard,  his final moan comes out silent. Zayn follows after, filling Louis up with his come. He rocks his hips until he rides out his orgasm.

 

Then, Zayn lays ontop of him for a while, getting his breath under control. Louis feels like he has been to heaven, he believes this is what it's like. They kiss some more until they both start getting sticky and yucky.

 

“Let's shower, yeah?” Louis offers, Zayn hesitates but nods.

 

“You go, I'll catch you up in a bit.” He smiles weakly, laying down on the other side of the bed.

 

“Okay, I'll be waiting.” Louis pecks Zayn's cheek before getting up from the bed and walking into the shower. He washes his body with excitement, because everything was amazing and he has another chance.

 

Another chance for love, he couldn't be more happier.

 

A few minutes pass and Zayn hasn't come to the shower, Louis calls his name but he gets no response.

 

He turns off the running water and decides to check what's going on, assuming Zayn fell asleep.

 

The room is empty when he gets back, Zayn's clothes gone and a small note on his desk. He approaches it, feeling his happiness slowly sink down.

 

He grabs the note with shaky hands and reads it.

 

_I'm sorry._

 

Louis breathes carefully, trying to clear his mind and maybe figure out that he's not reading it right.

 

He closes his eyes hard and tries again. It says the same thing. He doesn't understand.

 

The saddest thing is that Louis doesn't know what Zayn is sorry about. About leaving him the first time or this time.

 

The roller coaster is going no where.

 

He doesn't know why but he accepts the apology for both times.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So it's done. 
> 
> There's a lot of inaccuracies and I'm sorry for that but yeah... I hope you enjoy if you read :)

He somehow forgives and forgets. It doesn't make him weak, it makes him reasonable. It's forgivable, it will always be with Zayn.

 

There's nothing that would bring him to the breaking point, not now, not ever. He keeps the note close to his heart, close to the source of his existence.

 

The feeling of dread won't leave his chest but there's so much more. There's hope. It's not like he was never hopeful, but each day without Zayn was dragging him further into the sea.

 

Louis’ grief process happens overnight. As he lays warm less on the empty bed, full of questions and full of sadness. It's easier though, the second time around is anyways.

 

_I'm sorry._

 

His pounding headache doesn't stop the ecstatic happiness running through his body. The day outside is just starting, he really wishes he got more than three hours of sleep.

 

Ten minutes pass of him mindlessly staying in bed when there's a knock on the door.

 

“Louis?” Harry questions as he carefully steps inside his room. Louis hums and Harry walks over to his bed, sitting down on the edge. “I went to throw out the trash and-” the window blinds let Louis see so little but he can clearly see Harry's knitted brows. “I found a cloth stained with blood, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah. It was an accident I dropped a glass and I guess it was quite a lot of blood.”

 

Harry moves so that he's able to lay down next to Louis, “and were you drinking?” He’s concern and Louis knows that. Louis sighs, not looking at Harry.

 

“It wasn't much,” he lies.

 

“So what's this?” Harry asks, grabbing the empty wine bottle and showing it to him.

 

“Oh,” Louis’ confusion is seen through and it's not that he's trying to lie but he's genuinely shocked to see it.

 

Harry puts the bottle back where it was and places his arm under Louis’ head, grabbing him close, Louis doesn't like where this is going. But he goes with it, allowing Harry to embrace him.

 

“Look,” that tone Louis despises, he's not a small child anymore, he reckons. “I know I haven't been here for you lately, but I want you to know you can tell me anything.” Louis nods, turning his body so he's able to face Harry. He continues, “and I want you to try and spend less time thinking about him.”

 

Louis doesn't like that. Not one bit. A small sound from his throat is what voices his disagreement. He shakes his head and closes his eyes, Harry has no right, he can't do that.

 

Harry’s hold on him tightens and Louis hears the way Harry breathes, like he's trying. “I-I didn't mean it like that. Maybe distract yourself? We could go out, all the lads. We miss you, Lou.” And it's so genuine, Louis misses them too.

 

It's strange because Louis knows they will always be there for him, he's running in circles and he can't jump over the obstacles. “It's okay Harry, it all is now.” It's not a lie, with Zayn kind of back in his life, he feels ready to live again.

 

Louis doesn't tell Harry about Zayn, only because his reaction is going to be one Louis won't be a fan of. It seems like Harry isn't a fan of Zayn’s after his accident.

 

“Yeah?” Harry’s careful, whispering his words. Louis nods, wrapping his arm around Harry to reassure him. “Alright. So, what if you come hang with us? Niall and Liam are here, they really wanna see you.” Harry smiles.

 

He doesn't want to see them, not anyone really. Shivers run down his spine. “Okay, sure.” Louis agrees. Harry places a kiss on his forehead before he leaves.

 

Once Harry's gone, Louis makes his way to his bathroom. He has the tendency to not look at his reflection. His pale skin reflects in front of him, there's something different this time. Some kind of glow, he smiles as he recounts last night's events. Zayn's warm skin against his own. His movements so careful as they both danced, it makes it sound more interesting.

 

Louis is careful when he unwraps the bandage from his hand. He hisses as the sting hits him right away, it's not as bad as it feels. A small slit cut across his palm.

 

A blood stain on the sink grabs his attention, he tries to shake his hand to get some circulation going as he observes the stain. It's not new. Louis washes it away with warm water, as he reaches for the towel hanging nearby, that's when he sees it.

 

It clouds his mind, it makes his head ache as he searches for answers. An open first aid kit sits on the far corner of the sink. Items messily scattered all over. He wasn't that drunk. He shrugs it away, clearly knowing there's some kind of explanation for it.

 

He decides a warm shower will help, he turns on the faucet and waits for the water to warm up. As he steps in the water he feels him, it's like a wave crashing against the ocean on a peaceful summer day.

 

It's like Zayn was tattooed against him, as if he wrote his name carefully and permanently. A dream come to life.

 

A small smile splits his face in half and Louis allows the water to soak him. The tattoo of his memory on his skin, stinging and hurting but yet relieving to keep him here, forever.

 

When he finishes his shower, he bandages his hand again just because it still hurts and because he doesn't feel the pain much that way. His hair dries as he hesitantly makes his way to the living room, he hears faint conversation. It gets louder as he steps closer.

 

“...visits Zayn?” it's Niall, the clicking of game controllers continue.

 

“I dont think thats a good idea.” Liam says as Louis rounds up the corner to the living room and sees the three lads sitting in front of the tv.

 

The flow of his blood rushes through his ears, he can’t hear much but it sounds like Harry is telling them of his presence. “What about Zayn?” his name feels like cotton candy and vinegar at the same time. He leans against the wall as if this is the most casual thing. And it is, Louis can't deny Zayn anymore, not after what happened.

 

He should probably tell them.

 

“Nothing, i just mentioned how he has a new place and that we should all go and see him but figure that isn't very smart.” Louis nods, a small grin taking over his face. “I'm sorry, not very good with words.” Niall’s face flushes and Louis thinks is the most adorable thing.

 

“Idiot.” Liam comments, continuing to pay attention to the screen in front of him. Louis sees the way Harry nudges him as if it were the most offensive thing he has said to Niall.

 

“Actually,” Louis walks over to make himself comfortable in the couch. He plans on telling them, he needs to stop the uncomfort between all of them. They were all good friends after all, he can't keep drifting all of them apart. It’s not fair.

 

“What about bowling tonight?” Harry jumps in, looking up from his phone, “c’mon lads, we haven't gone out in a long time. It’ll be fun.”

 

Liam grunts, making a face, “that's your definition of fun, Styles? We should get drinks, have a proper night out.”

 

“No drinking, remember?’ Harry side eyes Louis, and pretends like it's not because of him.

 

Niall pauses the game, getting an angry stare from Liam, “don't be a dick, lets do bowling, we can make it fun.” He smiles at Louis.

 

“You two are the worst together.” Liam comments, rolling his eyes. Harry and Niall share a smitten smile. “I guess you’re my date.” he says, winking at Louis.

 

Niall and Liam end up leaving not long after, deciding it's best to meet up later in the day. Harry ends up dragging Louis to a photoshoot he got call in last minute, Louis decided to take the day off. The benefits of self employment.

 

The sky unravels with indistinctive cloud shapes, the wind whispering nonsense into Louis’ ears and making goosebumps appear on his skin. The beach is empty, the water rising by the minute. He wonders how long it’ll take to drown him.

 

Once he helps Harry unpack his equipment he finds an old novel in Harry’s backseat. It's clearly those books that Harry buys just to own but never really has the chance to read them. He decides to be the lucky one.

 

There's a quiet place near the water, Louis claims it as his own, hearing the crashing of waves. He stops comparing anything that crashes to his heart and to what he feels for Zayn.

 

Time passes quickly, getting indulged in the novel, next thing he knows Harry is calling him over to leave. The book sits on his lap as they make their way back. The car filled with a peaceful silence.

 

“I forgot I bought that,” Harry nods to the book, “is it any good?”

 

Louis laughs, “I figured. And yeah, I mean just to pass the time.”

 

They share a smile as Harry continues to drive, the day gets darker each mile they go. “Sorry I interrupted you earlier, I felt like they would probably think it’s okay to joke about it, you know?”

 

Louis doesn’t follow, “I know they’re not insensitive,” he knows his friends, he knows they wouldn't say anything to hurt him. “I have to tell you something.” His mind becomes foggy and a million thoughts are running around it, bumping into each other, making it more complicated. He breaths in and out, he needs to get it over with.

 

“Okay.’ Harry agrees, keeping his eyes on the road but giving him his undivided attention.

 

His hands slightly shake, this isn’t as serious as it should be. “Remember that day I came home, all dirty and wet?” Louis asks, waiting for Harry to nod, he continues, “well, I met someone. A girl, she was very mysterious,” He looks out the window, he glances quickly at the people in the other cars, he wonders what their story is. “She said she knew what happened to Zayn. I think she talked to him.”

 

Louis notices the way Harry grabs  the steering wheel tighter, the way his jaw clenches, clearly showing his disapprovement. “How do you know she was telling the truth?” Harry genuinely asks, he doesn't let Louis answer. “Why do you keep thinking this is some kind of mystery, talking like Zayn's still around.” He looks upset, Louis wishes he was more understanding.

 

Louis sighs, taking his whole attention to the world outside, better than seeing Harry upset. “It’s important to me, he was with me Harry, he was with me for so long, i can’t let him go. But, forget it, it doesn’t matter.”

 

A few minutes pass when Harry speaks again, “those kind of people can’t help you anyway.”

 

And it's all silent from there, the radio playing as the only background noise, the car not making it more faster than what he had liked.

 

Louis still plans on going out, he doesn't want to be like those people that just ruin the fun. Once they get home, he gets ready, waiting for Harry in the couch to finish. His phone sits heavy on his hand, he has Zayn’s contact open, deciding if calling or texting is the right way to go. He texts him.

 

_I need you._

 

He stares at the phone, until Harry tells him he’s ready to go. He doesn’t get a reply.

 

He taps his fingers against his phone, as if that would make Zayn reply. They get to Niall and Liam’s place quite quickly. They get in the backseat and Louis doesn’t ignore the way Niall’s hand caresses Harry’s arm.

 

“Are you guys ready to lose?” Liam teases as he puts his seatbelt on. They all laugh.

 

The place is getting full, typical of a saturday night, they have good luck and get place on the far corner. There’s glowing lights, making the environment more pleasant. _It can’t be that bad,_ Louis thinks. They all go to get their shoes and he can't help but notice the way Harry and Niall are around each other. He doesn’t know when it happened but they seem so comfortable, it almost makes him jealous. Liam catches his attention and raises his eyebrows, not one word needed to explain what is happening.

 

He’s not jealous in that way, not of Harry or Niall, but because they are happy— because he could have that if he really wanted. That and so much more. It makes his heart drop down and sink into a pit, and endless, lonely pit.

 

Eventually, they start the game and Louis can finally say he’s having fun. They are winning by a few points and Harry and Niall's pout is very comical and pleasing. He forgets for a while, as Liam hits a strike and breaks into his celebratory dance thus winning the first round.

 

“Losers buy the food!” Liam half-shouts, high fiving Louis and patting him enthusiastically in the back.

 

“Not fair! That's not what we agreed on.” Niall says, following behind Liam and the rest as they make their way to the food court.

 

“I don't think we even agreed on something.” Harry swings his arm around Niall’s shoulder and brings him in for a hug.

 

“Sore losers.” Louis adds, feeling himself fill with joy, truly enjoying the banter between all of them.

 

They laugh, happily looking over the menu as they plan on what to order. It takes them a few minutes, especially for Harry to choose something healthy wise. He might as well not eat, Louis didn't tell him that, instead they all looked at him with poisonous eyes. He clearly didn't care.

 

It's something about all of them eating, something about the booth they're seating at. The food perhaps, maybe even the memories. Louis can't pin point but it's exhausting, almost. Too overwhelming, because he's filled with excitement and yet he's missing him.

 

Missing him so much the food in his stomach sits heavy. Too distracted to even listen to the conversation his friends are having. A pounding headache taking over his senses and food that doesn't quite suit him.

 

He smiles, when he gets concerned looks, when he feels his food is going to come right back up. Swallowing the feeling of regret and dread, too much dread. He needs relieve.

 

Louis waits for all of them to be finish to excuse himself to the toilet. Vigilant eyes follow him all the way to the bathroom. He barely makes it to a stall when all of what he ate is right back out. He tried to hold it back but it was as if his stomach was filled with dynamite and the explosions were endless.

 

Then, he leaves. Careful for the boys to not see him but he can't do this any longer. Can't keep the happiness on, can't keep the farce of him being someone better, better than what Zayn expected him to.

 

He basically sneaks out and just as he's out the door, he sees them, the three lads having fun, perhaps waiting for him to get back. He wonders how long it’ll take them to notice.

 

It’s a void, there's so many emotions and at the same time he feels nothing at all. He can't feel the cool breeze hitting his face as he walks. He walks against the wind, against everything that he feels. Feelings that he is too scared to even considered. They're not his.

 

He takes the bus to what he likes to call the dark side of the city. He doesn't like this. The night has just settled and the stars are nowhere to be seen. Louis should really stop comparing everything around him to his feelings.

 

It’s almost like he’s floating, its rare and it's like he doesn't even need to drink to feel the high of something. Moments like this happen, when he is too caught up in his head and he feels like he's floating in a cloud. A cloud that gets bigger and bigger, that at the end it would bring nothing but disaster.

 

A storm, one that can wipe out the whole city, Louis the first to go, well, only because he really should.

 

The club keeps getting fuller as time passes, Louis sits at the bar, not sure for what but he waits.

 

He waits until a very attractive stranger sits next to him. But he is not up for that today, so the strangers leaves mad as they come. Louis thanks them for the drinks.

 

Several men approach him, the usual compliments he gets; ‘nice smile, your eyes are gorgeous, I’d love to take you out’ (of here, of course, this is no place for dates).

 

He smiles and nods, the most his lips allow him. Some leave, only because Louis isn’t paying attention to whatever story they’re babbling about.

 

The drinks continue, his time in here gets bearable.

 

And he’s drunk.

 

Too drunk to leave this place, too drunk to call his friends, perhaps the embarrassment is what keeps him from doing it.

 

“Wanna get out of here?” A low voice growls in his ear. It sends shivers down his spine.

 

The stranger’s breath is hot and filled with alcohol against his skin. There's estranged hand resting on his waist.

 

“I need to- i was about to head home,” Louis jolts up and attempts to walk but his feet are barely moving and his control is non existing.

 

The broad man holds his waist tighter and lowly laughs in his ear, it's almost menacing. “It's okay I'll help you out, looks like you can't even stand up.”

 

Fuck. This is the last thing Louis wanted.

 

Dark menacing eyes meet Louis’ and it's so controlling he can't help but try and take a step backwards. He's trapped and he feels so helpless. This is not right. “No really, it's-it's fine.” Louis stutters out, holding a hand against the man’s chest.

 

“Look,” the man tries again, this time holding Louis’ body close to his own, it's gross and suffocating. Louis wants to run. “I'll help you, okay?” He's demanding.

 

Louis pushes him all at once, his breath becomes faster as he makes his way to the door, pushing people by, just wanting to get out.

 

He makes it outside, the fresh wind hitting his face and allowing him to cool down, he's sobering up by the minute.

 

There's eyes looking at him, from people waiting outside the club. He knows this man is going to be here any minute so he needs to act quick. His brain fuzzy with liquor and his fingers made out of jelly, he composes a message to Harry.

 

_Pleasw come grt me_

 

It feels like decades when he finally finds the option to share his location. God. This is terrible.

 

A group of friends hang near by, Louis gets as close to them as he can. He doesn't dare to look back.

 

He sees people walking down the street, he sees the cars roaming the mid-night. It all becomes a blur. A timeless blur, next thing he knows, Harry is holding him around the shoulders and sitting him down in the back seat of his car.

 

Niall's in the passenger seat, not minding of Louis’ presence. Harry starts driving and all he sees is the sky, black, limitless.

 

He comes in and out of consciousness, he sees Harry's mouth moving, he can't hear anything. He sees the way their fingers intertwined in between the two front seats.

 

It's all he's been missing, the relationship between them, when did it even happen. He's been too caught up in his own head, too caught up with the disaster Zayn left behind.

 

Louis doesn't acknowledge when it happens but Harry is helping him up the stairs and into their apartment, Niall following right behind.

 

“You should get some rest, Louis,” Harry tells him, as he lets go of him and points to his room.

 

He’s about to head there when there's a weight on his shoulder turning him around, “what the hell Louis? Is this what you do now?” It's Niall, he's in his face, so mad all he can see is his blue eyes turning into a mad tsunami. “Walk away from your friends to some sketchy club, and for what?”

 

Harry places a hand to Niall's arm, his other arm tucked in under himself, “not now Niall, we’ll talk to him when he's sober.” Niall doesn't look at him, his eyes furiously trained on Louis, “Now is not the time.” Harry tries again.

 

“No, he can't act like this, like we are nothing to him. Like it was only him who lost Zayn,” Niall chokes on his last words, eyes never leaving Louis. It's threatening.

 

His brain filled with alcohol and a weak broken soul is what makes Louis say what he does, “you didn't have to choose me!” He yells, his eyes filling with tears, tears he doesn't need right now.

 

“What?” Niall asks, confused, he looks at Harry who just shakes his head. Louis’ eyes drop to the ground, where they can't see his weakness. “You should really stop making excuses.” It's the last thing Niall says, finally getting out of his face.

 

Louis giggles. And it's the alcohol. It's so controlling and demanding. This is serious and he wouldn't be doing it if he were in the right mindset. He wouldn't be doing it if Zayn was still here. And maybe it's the tears that threaten to leave his eyes or maybe the whole situation. He just really doesn't have to deal with it. So he’ll deal with it his own way.

 

He walks, or at least tries his best to make it to his room in one piece.

 

Its different this time, his bed doesnt feel the same. There’s a lump in his throat that won’t allow him to breath, swollen eyes that are closing each time he thinks more of the events that happened today. With tear filled eyes he starts drifting off to sleep, the blackness of his eyelids allowing him to see a place beyond pain.

 

A place where he can have it all, and maybe it’s not perfect but he’s happy.

 

\---

 

Laughter. That’s the first thing Louis wakes up to. The thin walls let him listen to it, like this whole place is mocking him. He believes it to be true, everything has been since the moment he stepped into this place.

 

There’s faint conversation in the room across, he isn’t interested enough to pay attention to it. He’s exhausted, his head pounding from last night. Forgetting about it is a reasonable thing to do, it’s not like he remembers everything in full detail.

 

It’s Niall's eyes piercing through his what isn’t unforgettable, even if it becomes a mantra, it’s there. He can’t deny that.

 

He decides for a shower, cold water to wake him up and to remind himself that he can’t do reckless things like this and get his friends involved. There’s just many messes but this is one he won’t allow himself to do. So, it’s like a punishment.

 

After the shower, his feet automatically take him to the kitchen, he knows he has to do something about all this thirst. Luckily, Niall or Harry are there.

 

He forces toast down his throat and drinks it with black coffee. His time is passed by scrolling down his instagram feed. Faces he hasn’t talked in a really, really, long time. Louis gets so caught up in the moment he doesn't realize Harry and Niall walking towards the kitchen. Shit, he has no time to run.

 

Awkward glances are shared and a low “goodmorning,” from Harry. Louis returns the gesture, forcing a smile and continuing to eat his tasteless food.

 

“Louis,” Niall says, sitting down next to him, he folds his arms and waits for Louis to look at him. “We need to talk.” he continues, eyes so strong it could kill.

 

Louis drinks from his coffee and nods. Harry is by the kitchen counter making some coffee, he occasionally turns over and observes.

 

“About last night,” Niall takes a short break, “I don’t get it. Is it too hard to spend a few hours with us you have to leave?” Louis doesn’t like the harshness in his voice. “We all deal with things differently but is it really that hard for you?”

 

“It’s not about you.” Louis deadpans, unable to believe Niall is really talking like that to him.

 

“Of course it’s not,” Niall throws his hands over his head, leaning back on the chair, “it’s about-”

 

“Niall!” Harry interrupts, coming over with two cups of coffee.

 

“Zayn. Yes, it’s about Zayn.” Louis yells, he can’t keep his cool anymore. “So, I'm sorry I can’t be with you guys because all I think is about him leaving me.” Louis gets up from the chair and places the used mug on the sink. “Enjoy this,” Louis points to them both, “because it sure will fucking hurt when you don't have it anymore.”

 

He walks away but he hears clearly to what Niall says. “This is why i prefer Zayn, he’s not this dramatic.” Louis doesn’t turn around.

 

\---

 

It's mid afternoon when Louis wakes up again. He enjoys sleeping, because he forgets and because he doesn't feel the pain.

 

His phone rings with a text message.

 

_Harry: wanna go to the beach? We’d be leaving in about 10._

 

He doesn't reply.

 

Not long after he gets another one.

 

_Harry: please??? Let's have some fun??_

 

Louis sighs, knowing Harry won't leave him alone.

 

 _Fine._ He texts back.

 

He forces himself out of bed and into comfortable shoes. He packs his phone and wallet and walks to the living room.

 

Harry and Niall are there waiting for him. Harry beams when he sees him while Niall doesn't even acknowledge him.

 

“I promise it’ll be fun,” Harry smiles, “Liam is meeting us there.”

 

“That's what you said last time.” Niall says as he's heading for the door.

 

They walk out after him, Harry closing the door. “Let's not fight, okay?” He whispers to Louis.

 

“I wasn't fighting, Harry. I'm just tired of being treated like I'm the bad person.” Louis responds. They walk down the stairs and into the parking lot, Niall is waiting for them by the car.

 

The sun sits nicely on the pale blue sky, the clouds spreading out awaiting for the sunset. It's better than most days. The car windows are rolled down halfway, allowing a cool breeze to take over.

 

The car is awkwardly silent, the radio playing songs that are well overplayed. Niall sits in the passenger sit, eyes fully on his phone. Harry looks at him from the corner of his eyes and sighs, Louis just looks out the window. Maybe this time it will take him far away.

 

They get there in an excruciating time. The wind is fierceness, like it's trying to tell Louis something. He wonders what it is, there's no secrets.

 

It's peaceful for an okay afternoon, perhaps the people are afraid of the things the wind could tell them.

 

Louis takes his shoes off right before they reach the sand. The coolness of it seeps in between his toes each time he takes a step. He follows after the lads, who talk indistinctly between each other, Louis doesn't try to make sense out of it. But he does see the way Harry moves his hand when Niall tries to reach for his dangling pinky.

 

And he feels horrible about it, he knows he's the cause for it. He also sees the way Niall shakes and lowers his head, continuing to walk. He did this. But he ignores it because what else can he do.

 

They continue to walk deeper into the beach, where the waves can be heard loud and clear, where they are telling Louis to get closer. Perhaps, they have answers but maybe they just want to drown him.

 

Maybe drowning isn't so bad, the waves could sooth him, telling him it'll all be fine.

 

Liam is waiting for them by a tree trunk in the beach, there's blankets on top of each other and a bag of snacks next to it. Liam smiles gracefully once he spots them.

 

“Hey lads,” Liam says, hugging Harry then Niall, he nods at Louis who is still too far to be held into a hug.

 

Louis fakes a smile, “what is this all for?” He asks.

 

Liam shrugs, “just thought it’ll be cool to chill out.” He gives Louis a side hug once he gets closer, “I hope you're fine.” He whispers, his face so pitiful it almost hurts.

 

“I'm fine.” Louis lies, he smiles as he lays one of the blankets on the sand. “There's nothing to worry about.” it feels like the sand on the ground made it all the way to his throat.

 

Liam helps him set up the other blankets on the ground, his eyes never leaving that sadness behind.

 

They all get comfortable on the ground and start chatting away, it's awkward and uncomfortable at first, Louis wishes it was quick sand instead. Niall doesn't look at him and when he does, if looks could kill.

 

It's the first time he's actually paying attention to them, although the waves keep whispering his name, they're distracting.

 

But, he learns a lot. He learns that it's almost two months since Niall and Harry had been dating, although Harry keeps giving Niall the cold shoulder it's impossible to miss the love in their eyes.

 

Apparently, Liam met someone who he doesn't want to talk about, he just blushes when Niall teases him about it. He also got promoted at the company he works at.

 

And this is just bits and pieces Louis learns about when the lads talk about it again. He has missed so much, time almost non existent in his world.

 

Everything is so fragile around him, their pity won't look their faces because it's not like they're ignoring him but more like Louis choosing not to talk. It's embarrassing, to hear all his friends are doing great and all he's doing is cry because of someone he doesn't even know he’ll see again.

 

The sunset catches his attention. The sun so bright, the colors it shines almost like it was meant to be looked at. It wasn't, but the forbidden always looks beautiful.

 

In fact, the boys stop their conversation to admire such beauty. They watch as the sun disappears into the horizon leaving a gorgeous empty sky behind. The yellow blending into a sweet orange, Louis can almost taste it.

 

They watch in awe as the remaining of the sun moves into nothing but a colorful sky full of oranges and grapes. Explosions of sweetness.

 

Louis lays back, arms behind his head. It's more comfortable than what he expected and quite relaxing as well. He thinks in that moment how the sky is never alone. The moon is always there hidden in the morning and at night, shining so bright among the sky.

 

“I miss him.” Louis whispers, to the sky, the moon, the stars, the waves and even the wind. They all listen attentively yet they have nothing else to say. It's all quiet after that, like they're afraid, just like Louis is.

 

And although those words were to no one in particular, Liam is the only one who heard him. Niall and Harry whispering to each other, indulged in themselves.

 

Liam looks at Louis like he wants him to tell him more, he doesn't. Louis smiles at him and continues to observe the sky.

 

Not long later, Liam's body lays next to Louis’ so quietly the way he notices is the heat next to him. Louis looks at him questioning his actions but Liam is looking at the sky.

 

“You know, maybe you should talk to him.” Liam says, unexpectedly, his voice so low Louis can feel the vibrations through the sand. “It might- it might help.” And he sounds so uncertain.

 

Louis hums, really thinking about what Liam is telling him. He wants to tell him about the encounter he had with Zayn but it's not the right time. He can feel it in his bones, maybe not today. “It might.”

 

It's peaceful after that, Louis closes his eyes slowly and starts dreaming of great things.

 

\--

 

_The sun is at its highest peak but it has no intention of shining so bright it hurts. The clouds make their way in and out of the sun’s way, guarding in a way._

 

_Niall, Harry and Liam are chasing each other around like little kids on the last day of school. Their laugh so hard to ignore it’s contagious, Louis and Zayn can't stop smiling at their playful banter._

 

_They lay their backs against a tree trunk, the sand setting nicely under them. Zayn's arm around Louis, keeping him so close, as if he’ll ever leave. But it's nice, all of it._

 

_“Babe,” Zayn starts, looking at Louis with so much fond in his eyes, “how ready do you think we are?” He asks, kissing Louis on the forehead._

 

_“Ready for what?” Louis knits his eyebrows, unsure on what Zayn means._

 

_“Marriage.”_

 

_And it's not like something Louis has not dreamed of but it's not something he was expecting. At all. So he stutters, speaking non sense as Zayn awaits for his reply. “I-I don't,”_

 

_“Louis,” Zayn grabs his face, “it's okay to say no, I want you to be honest.”_

 

_“It's not that,” Louis sighs, “I think we have so much more ahead of us, things we should get done before we do something like that.”_

 

_Zayn lowers his head, “yeah, I guess you're right.”_

 

_Louis is now the one who lifts Zayn's head, “you know I love you so much, but we still got so much time for that, yeah?” Zayn nods, smiling softly at Louis. “So, let's make a promise right now, we don't propose to each other until we both know we're ready.”_

 

_“Fine, I promise.” Zayn laughs, kissing the corner of Louis’ mouth. “But if I still were to propose, you would say yes?”_

 

_“You know I would.”_

 

_They share a kiss, a laugh, a moment of pure bliss._

 

_\--_

 

A raindrop hits his cheek and slides down blending in with the sand underneath. Louis opens his eyes and sees the sky covered in grey, darkness coming, the day ending soon.

 

“We should probably get going lads,” Liam says, starting to pack all his stuff in the duffle bag. They nod and start collecting their belongings.

 

They walk in peaceful silent to their cars,they say their goodbyes and this time Niall gets a ride from Liam.

 

So it's Harry and Louis again, he hopes for it to not turn into something awkward, but of course, it does.

 

The drops get more constant as the car’s speed increases, they drive off, it feels like any other day.

 

“I tried to get Niall to apologize, but he's so stubborn.” Harry says, keeping his eyes on the road.

 

“Don't do that, Harry.” Louis is slightly annoyed at his friend’s attempts, because even if it's a good gesture, it just isn't right.

 

“Why?” Harry glances at him once and then his eyes are glued to the road.

 

“If he wanted to apologize he would do it, not because you tell him but because he knows it's something he wants to do.” It's more than what Louis has said to Harry the past months. Something that's genuine.

 

“I don't like you both being mad at each other, for no reason at all.”

 

And Harry says it so casually Louis pinches himself to know it isn't a lucid dream. “Seriously?” His tone comes more harsher than he intended.

 

“Yeah, I mean-”

 

“Forget it.” Louis’ annoyed and mad at everyone and everything. He doesn't want to listen to whatever sad excuse Harry has for his boyfriend. He's so exhausted he’ll let it go, just like he has let go of everything else all this time.

 

They reach a stop light and the rain intensifies at that moment, Harry looks at Louis with concern in his eyes, Louis ignores him.

 

One red light later, Harry speaks again, “did I say something wrong?”

 

It takes so much effort for Louis to not lose it at that moment, but he breathes and let's it go, “no, I just don't want to talk about it.”

 

Harry pursues his lips tightly, “okay.”

 

The rain completely stops when they get home, Louis makes his way to his room the fastest that he can but he stops when his hand reaches the doorknob. “Goodnight Harry.” He smiles softly at him.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Louis gets ready for bed in an instant, he showers quickly to wash all his thoughts out of his head, it doesn't work but he can pretend like it does.

 

Slowly, sleep starts taking over his eyes, his mind fading into nothingness.

 

_Empty. The beach is empty and warm. He can only see what's in front of him, he can't look back. He can't move either, his feet planted down on the sand. The sun is nowhere to be seen, only miles and miles of empty grey skies._

 

_There's no one around, nothing at all, only miles of sand and the ocean deep blue in front of him._

 

_The crashing of the waves sound like angry thunder, but at the same time they're telling Louis to get closer. That he's safer underwater._

 

_He starts walking without really thinking about it, his feet burying deep into the sand, it's so warm. So he keeps walking, just because all of this feels so nice._

 

_He reaches the water, it's not cold as he had expected, in fact it's the warmest he has ever felt it. The waves continue, louder and louder each time but as it reaches his feet the crash slows down and there's no malice behind it._

 

_His feet keep moving, now the water reaching his mid-calves it's like the ocean is dragging him deeper and deeper._

 

_The water then reaches his thighs, it passes his hips and mid stomach, he moves swiftly through it._

 

_He's fully submerged, his head going underwater and he sees nothing but blackness. The water turns ice cold in an instant, Louis fights his way to the surface but he can't. He can't move, at all, not even to fight a struggle. He doesn't know what drowning feels like, not until now, he can't feel anything._

 

_Coldness. He can't breath, everything is dark, the waves stop. Emptiness._

 

Louis wakes up abruptly, hyperventilating as he clutches his chest. He's fine, it was all a bad dream. He thinks of the inevitable that is death. But he forgets about it, it was a dream after all. He reaches over for his phone, it's past 7am, too early to be awake but too afraid to go back to sleep.

 

So he stays up, scrolling down his Instagram feed and then moving to his Facebook. He does the unthinkable and searches for Zayn's name. This time, it's different, because he doesn't appear right away, he doesn't appear at all. Louis tries again, carefully typing out his name, no results.

 

There's a possibility that Zayn blocked him, but why would he even do that. His profile entirely disappeared and Louis has no clue why. So instead of wondering all day about it, he texts Zayn.

 

_We need to talk._

 

He waits a few minutes, looking over the previous messages that came from Louis not long ago. He sighs, dropping the phone into his stomach and waits for a response. Louis looks over his phone again.

 

It's rare because his message is not in the usual blue box but instead it's green. There's definitely something wrong. But he ignores it, because, today is the day.

 

Today is the day he makes things right, with himself and with his friends. Today is the day he tells them the truth, when he saw Zayn, they need to know. They need to know it can all be saved.

 

So he plans out his day, he’ll get ready for the day and stay at home. No trips to nowhere today, he’ll stay watching one of his favorite shows until Harry gets home (Louis knows he's out and about doing his job). Once he does, he’ll call over the rest of the lads and  get this over with.

 

It's a good plan, because then he’ll only have to deal with Zayn, who will not get a way out. He needs to accept his destiny for once.

 

And so, that's what he does. Noon comes and then the late afternoon too, Harry will be here any minute. He sits, binge watching Netflix.

 

There's so many thoughts in his head and there's nothing at all, it's all a mixed of thoughtless emotions. His hands have been shaking all day, something in his stomach not allowing him to breath, it makes him feel funny.

 

Louis can't sit still, so he bites on his nails, already tasting the metallic on his mouth. He sighs, breathing in and out, closing his eyes and trying to relax.

 

Nothing is working.

 

There's a knock on the door. A hollow almost silent knock, he gets up so fast, too anxious to let a second knock come in.

 

He doesn't look through the peephole because he just can't waste any time, he isn't expecting anyone but the whole thing makes him want to bite his nails even more.

 

The door opens swiftly and there she stands, leaning against the door frame. Yasmine.

 

Louis forgets about everything and looks at her in shock, it's been awhile since he last saw her. She has that threatening smile, the one that sends shivers down his spine.

 

“It's been a while.” She says, slowly walking into the apartment, Louis doesn't stop her.

 

Louis closes the door and leans against it, he's sweating and it's not even hot. “What are you doing here?” His voice resonates against the silent room.

 

Yasmine takes her time in responding, idly walking around the living room, looking at pictures on the tv stand. It's invasive even if they aren't Louis’.

 

“I wanted to visit a friend.” She casually says.

 

“How did you even find my address?” Louis demands answers, this is just too creepy and it doesn't help his nervousness.

 

She shrugs, turning to face him, “I know things.” Then, she walks into the kitchen, Louis doesn't follow. “But you should know that by now.”

 

There's a time when it's completely silent, so silent Louis even thinks he's just imagining her. But, she comes back after than thought runs through his head.

 

She stands in front of him, her killer eyes piercing into his, it's like he's paralyzed.

 

“I saw Zayn.” He blurts out, unable to move his gaze down.

 

She laughs, slow and in his face, “I know. It's dangerous I told you that, how many lives have you lost than?”

 

He's confused at first but then he remembers about the _curiosity killed the cat_. It's not relatable at all, he disregards her question.

 

“You're full of bullshit. Zayn and I are meant for eachother, you can't stop that.” He shouts, angrier than ever.

 

“I can't do that.” She chuckles to herself, walking back into the kitchen. “I need to show you something.” Without thinking twice Louis walks over to where she is.

 

She's leaning against the counter, her hands behind her back. Louis doesn't know why but he trusts her even when he shouldn't, he knows that yet he can't stop himself.

 

“What now?”

 

“Haven't you noticed something?” Louis knits his eyebrows, “when you saw Zayn, something happened to you.” She walks in front of him and pushes him against the refrigerator.

 

He can't bring himself to stop moving, he's like a puppet and she's in control. He's shaking at this point, doesn't know what to do, he's scared.

 

“I don't… I don't know.” A drop of sweat from his head glides down his face, down his neck and into his shirt.

 

“You got hurt,” then, out of nowhere Yasmine pulls out a knife from behind her, pointing it to Louis’ throat. Everything starts becoming a blur, he can't move, he can't scream. “Don't you want to see him again?” Her laugh echos around the room.

 

She grabs Louis’ hand and slices the knife across his wrist, he falls to the ground, the pain too strong to let him fight. His vision starts becoming blurry, tears swelling his eyes.

 

He can still see her, the smile on her face, the evil in her eyes. She grabs his other hand and does the same. Her laughter doesn't stop, the pain doesn't either.

 

Red. That's all he sees through his half open eyelids. He sees from the corner of his eyes when she leaves, her laughter echoing in his head as his mind goes completely blank.

 

\---

 

“...surprised what the mind can do.”

 

Every part of his body is sore, from his eyes all the way to his toes. He has a pounding headache that increases when he tries to open his eyes and brightness is all he sees.

 

His mouth is dry and he can barely talk, a grunt comes out rather than a word. He tries to open his eyes again, the fluorescent lights don't help. But he sees something, or someone.

 

Someone who appears to be a doctor and Harry are standing near the room door. The voice from earlier is the doctor, Louis doesn't pay attention to what they're saying. He can't focus.

 

Harry stands with his arms crossed and his hand rubbing his chin, Louis can see his eyes bright red and his hair messier than usual.

 

He tries to talk again but he fails, his throat burning from the dryness. He moves his hands, unable to fully feel them, they're numb.

 

The doctor then leaves the room without noticing Louis’ awakening. Harry stands in the same position, taking out his phone and seemingly sending out a few texts.

 

Then, he turns and notices Louis’ awake and struggling to get a word out. “Lou,” he rushes over to the bed and looks at him sadly, “thank god you're okay.”

 

“I didn't,” Louis’ throat is on fire. _Do it. I didn't do it._ He says it to himself because speaking is so painful.

 

“God, I feel terrible. I should've known.” Harry starts pacing back and forth. And just like if he was reading his mind, he takes a cup of water to Louis.

 

Louis grabs the cup and can't help but notice the bandages around his wrists. That's for later, now he drinks the water, trying to ignore the past events.

 

“I'm an idiot.” Harry says, avoiding Louis completely.

 

Louis clears his throat, “no, Harry, this wasn't your fault.”

 

Harry looks at him this time, expectantly, like he's waiting for Louis to say something else. When Louis doesn't he speaks slowly, “I couldn't help but wonder why, so, I looked through your room,” Harry carefully pulls out two pieces of paper. Louis knows he has seen them somewhere but he can't help to remember. “I found these.”

 

Wait. It's Zayn's and Yasmine's note. “I was going to tell you.” Louis admits.

 

“Louis,” Harry starts unfolding the notes, so careful as if they were made of fallen leaves from October.

 

Louis feels the need to confess, it's now or never. “Remember the girl I told you about?” Harry nods hesitantly, “one is from her. And the other one is from...Zayn.”

 

It should be relieving, to finally get the truth out but Harry's face is saying the opposite. Nothing is safe, his secrets aren't safe anymore.

 

With shaky hands and terror in his voice Harry hands him the notes, “Louis, this is your handwriting.”

 

He's drowning again. This time he can move, but he'd rather stay here and not say anything, not do anything.

 

Waves of sadness wash over his fragile body. He's in denial, it can't be, he knows it's not his, “no, it's not,” he takes the notes in his hand and looks over it twice, again and again.

 

The words start losing it's meaning, the paper sits heavy on his palm and just like a magic trick. The words start to turn into his.

 

He wouldn't miss it, not something that belongs to him. It's his handwriting and the threatening tears are about to overflow. He lets it happen, he's going crazy and maybe it's inevitable.

 

Maybe this is his future, a future that can't be escaped. With many questions in his head he lets sleep take over his eyes, maybe because he really is tired or maybe because sleep is much better than this sad truth.

 

The last words he hears are from Harry, “you’ll be staying here a couple of days, they want to to make sure you're okay.” Louis doesn't think he's ever heard him speak with that much pain.

 

\---

 

The first day is almost non existent. So many questions screaming inside, no answers at all. A nurse brings him breakfast early that day, Louis has completely lost track of time. But it's early and the food is awfully tasteless, he doesn't eat it.

 

He thinks of Zayn, if he would visit, maybe bring flowers along the way. Nothing at all. Louis won't look at his bandaged wrists but when he does, Yasmine's voices rings in his ears.

 

If what she said is right, Zayn would show up any minute, if she existed all along.

 

His head starts pounding thinking about it, and because that's all that boggles his head, he stays in bed all day.

 

The second day is better, Louis has had better days. This time a different nurse brings him breakfast, they exchange a few words, Louis pretends to eat the food. Plain. Same as always.

 

This time he is called for a psychiatric evaluation. He decides against the truth, only because this way it makes him look less insane. He walks into Dr. Scofield’s office ready for whatever comes his way.

 

She looks friendly, that's a start. “Hello, Louis. Have a sit.” Louis follows, slowly sinking into the chair, he wishes there was a way to hide his wrists. “I'll be asking you some questions. I ask you to answer them as honest as possible, I'm here to help you.” She holds her notepad in her hand and smiles at him.

 

Louis’ heard those words too many times. But, he nods, what else can he do. She asks him about his previous months, how he was feeling, his thoughts, his habits. He answers truthfully, nothing to hide there. He skips the part of the woods, of meeting Yasmine and seeing Zayn again.

 

She writes as he tells her, giving him all her attention. It feels good to talk to someone, someone who won't judge him or give him shit for it.

 

Then, “what about your family, your parents? Are they part of your life?”

 

His thoughts go static, he was hoping to skip all the sob stories. “Zayn’s the only person I would consider as that.” Louis puts his head down, trying not to reminisce.

 

Dr. Scofield nods as she scribbles something down, still paying attention. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Louis bites his lip, tapping his hands on the chair. He sees all of Dr. Scofield’s achievements hung on the wall, there's a picture too. Her and  a small girl missing her two front teeth. They're happy.

 

“I mean, there's nothing to it, really. My dad died when I was like 10. My mom was never the same, she loved me and my two sisters, I'm sure of it. There was something missing.”

 

She nods, “And what happened for all of you to drift apart?”

 

“I came out. I was 18, ready to start college, I wanted to start fresh and as my true self.” There's a sad chuckle, “bad choice, I know that now.”

 

“No, not at all, Louis. I think you did a good thing. You got the wrong reaction but if that's what made you happy, that's what matters.”

 

Louis shrugs, “she didn't have to do that, you know. I remember that day, she cussed me out, blamed me for all the bad things that had happened to her and kicked me out. I was lucky to have a dorm at college and a job.” _And lucky to have met Zayn,_ he thinks.

 

“What about your sisters?”

 

“They were devastated, by everything.” Louis sighs, “after I left, we stayed in contact, but after a while the calls stop, mine weren't going through. Then, the oldest started college, she called me.”

 

“What did she say?”

 

“That I was useless as a brother and as a man. That I was the only father figure they had and I couldn't even stay to be with them. I couldn't even have a woman to have a ‘proper’ family’.” The time in here feels like forever, if it existed. “All of my mom's ideas, really.”

 

Dr. Scofield then goes on about the importance of family during the years of growth. About trauma and about self love. How his mother’s  neglect could have affected Louis, even to this day. Louis feels bad for not caring for the words she speaks.

 

“We have a few minutes left,” finally,  “you leave tomorrow but if you want to see me again, we can set that up.” Dr. Scofield jots down some last notes. “Your diagnostic will be ready tomorrow but from my notes you definitely have symptoms of major depression with suicidal thoughts.”

 

Louis looks down at his hands, “no, I didn't,” this wasn't him, he stops himself before he gets put into a mental hospital.

 

Dr. Scofield eyes him, “therapy with medication helps the most, I can refer you to a near therapist if you'd like.”

 

“I don't need therapy. Can you just give me medication instead?”

 

Dr. Scofield frowns, “I suggest trying out therapy, even if you think it isn't for you. Medication works better with it too.”

 

“I don't think it will.”

 

“Okay, well, I'll prescribe you something. You have to keep in mind it takes weeks for the medication to take effect.” She writes some more, “I really hope you think about it, Louis.”

 

His desperation keeps getting bigger, “okay.”

 

With that, she lets him go back to his room, his medication is giving to him once he gets there. He swallows it like his life depends on it. She said it takes time, that's all Louis has.

 

The next day, Louis doesn't end up seeing Dr. Scofield again, he didn't have the energy. Harry and Niall bring his clothes for his last day in the hospital. Niall looks almost relieve when he sees him.

 

“Louis, I'm so sorry.” He hugs him as Louis is getting up from the bed, tumbling him back again. “I'm an asshole, I'm sorry.” Louis hugs him back.

 

“No, Niall, don't.” Louis struggles for his words, Niall's grip gets tighter. “I'm okay.” Harry taps Niall's shoulder, he lets loose after that.

 

“Here, we brought your clothes, you can leave today.” There's tears in Niall's eyes, Louis feels guilty, the feeling intensifying the longer his friends are here.

 

“Thank you.” Louis smiles as he grabs his clothes. He's ready to get out of here. The sterile room is becoming too attached to him, he doesn't like that.

 

Harry and Niall wait outside his room as he gets changed. Thankful for the sweatshirt they brought, it covers his secrets. He gets his paperwork from the front desk, his diagnostic. He doesn't look at it.

 

The ride back is quiet, it feels like he isn't even there, it's hard to explain. They pick up his pills and back on the road they go. He scans over the papers sitting heavily on his lap. A summary, it's all it really is, of his life and all. It's not something he cares about.

 

The apartment is quiet and smells of lavender. It's clean, the cleaner it's ever been. His arms are starting to hurt, it starts from his fingers and all the way to his elbows, he's thankful for the pain killers.

 

“I think I'm going to lay down for a bit, I'm tired.” Louis tells them, starting to walk to his room.

 

“We're here if you need anything.” Harry says, hanging his jacket on the coat hanger.

 

Louis smiles.

 

He walks into his room, it's the same yet it feels different. The two windows are open, letting the fresh air blend in. Everything is in place but it feels odd knowing Harry came in here, searching for answers, something.

 

He forgot the notes at the hospital, it's not like it matters, words without meaning. Maybe, Harry was wrong.

 

The poison consumed him entirely.

 

He lays down and closes his eyes, allowing the last rays of sunshine to shine on him. He allows the sun to burn him, even if it's for a little.

 

That night, he dreams about Zayn, his mother and his sisters.

 

\---

 

He's out of place, his body doesn't feel like his own and his thoughts are not his, yet again.

 

He's not the same.

 

The morning is starting, the sun trying to sneak in between the cloudy skies. Silent. That's all it is nowadays. He's glad, it somehow makes him feel alive. Feeling and hearing his heartbeat does something to him.

 

He gets ready for the day, disregarding his reflection on the mirror, it's not worth his time.

 

Hesitantly, he walks to the kitchen, where Niall and Harry have breakfast ready. They share good morning's between each other and without any word between them they eat. Louis tries, his stomach is probably going mad too.

 

“Lou,” Harry says between bites, Louis hums, “I have to run some errands, you should come.”

 

Louis shakes his head, “I'm not feeling like going out, sorry.” Niall gives him a look, a mix of sadness and worry.

 

Harry is about to say something but he chooses against it.

 

Niall speaks instead, “we can do something, the both of us.” His face lights up a little. Louis pursues his lips and continues to play with his food, “or not, that's fine too.”

 

When Harry and Niall share a look that's when Louis knows something’s happening, “What's going on?” He asks, looking at both of them attentively.

 

Harry clears his throat, “nothing, we’re just-”

 

“Worried. We're worried about you.” Niall finishes his sentence.

 

Louis knew it was about him, he's tired. Everything revolves around him and even if at a certain time he would of liked it, he despises it now. There's nothing to worry about.

 

“I’m fine. I don't want to go out, that is all and I'm too tired to do anything else.” Louis sighs, the food in front of him looks unwelcoming.

 

“But-” Harry begins but Louis won't allow him to finish, this has gotten out of control.

 

“If I wanted to kill myself I would've done it, okay? Those three days were for that. I'm fine so do whatever you need to do. I'm not a child, I can take care of myself.” They look at him with shock, but Louis feels good, finally.  

 

“Okay.” They both say, but their voices resonate unsureness.

 

They leave and Louis is left by himself, all he's thinking about is sleep. It must be the pills, he doesn't overthink it.

 

The sun decided to take a twist and hide completely, the clouds white among the sky. No sign of rain, that must be good.

 

He naps for a while; that is until there's a knock in the front door that wakes him up. It sounds distant, he ignores it. A second one comes in and then a third. Louis decides to check it out. He walks slowly towards the door, the knocking stops.

 

Just as if the person behind knew he was coming.

 

Louis’ careful this time. He checks through the peephole. _She was right._ Zayn's standing there, his head down. He can't open, he can't see him like this.

 

Something in him, something tells him, he needs him. Louis needs him. He gets over the fear and with shaky hands, he opens the door.

 

He stands there, they don't move just stare at each other. Zayn steps forward, Louis’ stuck in place. It's so quick when it happens but he feels his body against his. Zayn hugs him tight, burying his face on Louis’ neck.

 

Zayn starts kissing his face, all over until he reaches his lips and then kisses Louis, hard and passionate. He kisses Louis like his life depends on it.

 

Louis kisses him back. They close the door behind them and stay there, he doesn't know how much time passes.

 

“I love you so much, love.” Zayn says, holding Louis’ head in his hands. He wants to cry.

 

He doesn't, it's surreal but he can't cry, it's like he forgot how to. So instead he forgets about the tears, about the pain. “Let's make this right, please, I need you to do that.” Louis tells him.

 

Zayn nods and kisses him again, “I will. I promise.”

 

Louis smiles at that, a genuine smile.

 

They go to his room after that, they cuddle each other and sink into their warmth, just like the old times.

 

They fall asleep for a while, until Zayn tells him he needs to go, but he promises he’ll be back. It's pure and all truthness in it.

 

\---

 

Louis wakes up later that day, it's darker, the moon getting ready to shine bright. The sun is still hiding. His stomach grumbles with hunger, he decides to get some food.

 

Somehow, he's happy, like all his problems are solved. Zayn and him didn't exchange much words but the fact that he was with him, it makes him fuzzy inside.

 

Harry is there watching tv, he smiles at him, “you got some mail, I left it on the table.”

 

It's nothing but white envelopes and a yellow package, something he isn't interested about. He side eyes it and ignores it.

 

After Louis’ satisfy he starts making his way to the sofa, he needs to tell Harry. Now is the perfect time. Zayn promised. Just as he's on his way Harry tells him, “you should really open it.”

 

“What, this?” Louis holds the package, it's from the police department. He frowns, why would they send him something.

 

“I think it’ll help you, Lou.” Harry bites his nails, his Adam’s apple bops as he speaks.

 

And now he's intrigue. He grabs the package as he sits down next to Harry. He opens it, hesitantly. It has a few things in it, a letter, a note and a small box. He feels the box but opts out for the letter instead. It's from the police department.

 

Louis whispers the words as he reads, “Louis Tomlinson,” he hopes it's nothing serious, “we would like to apologize for keeping something that might be of high value to you.” He pauses, _what could this be about?_ “We had this items kept as evidence but seeing the case is well close, there's no point in keeping it.”

 

Louis’ lingering pain won't leave his wrists, it's not making sense. He looks at Harry for answers, Harry doesn't look at him. He decides to stop reading and look at the rest of the package.

 

It's a box, one that would hold a ring, or even earrings. And the note, he recognizes that handwriting, it's Zayn's. The note is folded in half and there's a scribble on one side,

 

_You got this!!!_

 

Louis frowns, why would the police give him this. If it was kept as evidence, Zayn is the one who's suppose to get it. Not him.

 

He inspects the tiny blue box, and the note, he doesn't dare to look at it. It's like he's breaking his privacy. “I can't- I can't look at this.” He tells himself.

 

“It's okay, Lou, you can.” Harry places a hand on top of Louis’. Like this is something he needs to do and support is needed along the way.

 

“No, no. I can't. Why would they give me this?” Louis starts freaking out, he doesn't know what it is but there's a small pressure on his throat. “Why didn't they give it to Zayn?”

 

Tears are threatening to leave his eyes, what else is new.

 

“What- what do you mean?” Now it's Harry's turn to look confused.

 

Louis feels like oxygen is leaving his body, his thoughts are everywhere. He needs answers. “This belongs to Zayn.” He says, he looks at the box, he thinks he knows what it is.

 

“But you get to keep it.” Harry tells him carefully, “it belongs to you now.”

 

“Why?” Louis says with a shaky voice. Everything feels heavy and unsure.

 

“Louis,” Harry says but his voice sounds distant, like if he were miles away, “tell me, what's going on.”

 

“Zayn, he can... It belongs to him, he can have it. I don't- it's not right, Harry. Zayn needs to have it.”

 

“He can't have it.”

 

“What?” Louis looks at him with disbelief, “yes, he can. I can give it to him.”

 

“Louis, stop. You're confusing me.” Harry confesses. “Tell me what you're thinking.”

 

“You always...you always talk about him like he isn't- he isn't around. You talk about him like he's not here anymore.” There's a continuous ringing in his ear. “I've seen him, it's going to be fine. It all is.”

 

“Tell me you don't believe that,” Harry rubs his face, there's so many emotions but frustration and sadness outshines them all.

 

“He's going to make things right, we're going to be fine. Just like old times.” Louis finally tells him but the relief doesn't come. “He promised.”

 

“He isn't coming back, Louis.” Harry tells him, Louis want to fight it but Harry continues. “He didn't-he didn't make it. Louis, please tell me you knew that. Tell me you knew Zayn passed away.” His voice is teary and shaky.

 

Just like Louis’ mind.

 

His mind goes everywhere, like its overworking and in any minute it's going to explode.

 

“No, that's not...I've seen him, he's fine.” Maybe denying it would make it less true.

 

He's sinking after that, he holds the box close to him and opens it, it's a ring.

 

“Louis?”

 

He begins crying, it's inevitable. He can't stop, it's like everything from his life came to this moment. It feels like he could die from the pain, he wishes that. That the earth would open and take him, wherever, but far away.

 

“When he came back, when he took all his stuff, you were there, you knew.” Louis accuses Harry, maybe it’ll make him feel better, maybe he's lying to him.

 

Harry sighs, his breath is shaky and it's like he can't speak either, “that night, I found you on the kitchen floor, you were a mess,” he pauses, “you were having a meltdown, Zayn's clothes were everywhere. You told me to get rid of them, you didn't want anything that belonged to him.”

 

Louis shakes his head. It's not what he remembers. But he keeps listening to Harry's distant voice.

 

“You didn't calm down until you fell asleep and that's when I did it. I cleaned your house like you asked me.” Harry furrows his eyebrows remembering the events, “when you woke up, you seemed so different but I didn't look too much into it.” He shakes his head, “I know I should've now.”

 

“I don't remember that.” Louis’ still crying.

 

“Then, you started spacing out a lot. When I would talk to you it looked like you weren't even there. I thought you needed space,” Harry puts his head on his hands, “shit, I'm sorry.”

 

“Why, why did I-”

 

“I mentioned it to the doctor when I showed him the notes. He said the mind can do so much.”

 

“No, no. I'm not crazy. I'm not. I know what I saw.” Louis screams, the first time out loud, he screams into his fist and it feels like his face is melting. And it hits him.

 

This is it, Zayn is _gone_.

 

His throat aches, his eyes can't take it anymore. This means if Zayn wasn't there, then Yasmine wasn't real. Nothing was.

 

He made it up.

 

Then, he feels arms wrap around him, he holds the box close to his chest. He buries himself in the warmth he is offered and drifts off to nonexistence.

 

\---

 

There was no dreams this time, not that Louis remembers. When he wakes up, he's still where he fell asleep, in the couch.

 

Morning is just coming up, his eyes, head and even heart hurt. He rubs sleep from his eyes, he sees the blue box in the living room table. It wasn't a dream.

 

He hears whispering coming from the kitchen but he ignores it, instead he lays there, thinking. Always thinking. And then, it all flashes through his eyes. Everything.

 

He remembers, the night Zayn supposedly came back, he was never there. Now he knows.

 

The time he went into the woods, there was no one there. It was an empty cabin, rusty and forgotten. Now he knows why time was nonexistent. He remembers writing that note, leading himself on was the poison. No mystery behind that.

 

The night he saw Zayn again, the night he drank too much. He remembers, the way he grabbed that piece of glass, with intention. He knew he was going to get hurt, but he wanted to. Zayn never healed him. Now he understands when he said it wasn't the same anymore.

 

Louis understands now, so much more. He understands why even after ‘seeing’ Zayn he felt an emptiness in his chest, why the pain wouldn't go away.

 

Why his friends worried so much, why he did so many reckless stuff. Including trying to kill himself.

 

There was never a bad person, Yasmine was his own creation. He was his own enemy. And now, he knows. He knows why he felt so agitated that day he was meant to do ‘things right’.

 

That was his definition of righteous.

 

It's a blur, compared to everything else but he can remember. The way he held the knife to his wrists and the way he mutilated himself. There was no laughter, it was his crying. His regret.

 

Now he knows. And it hurts.

 

Before he has another meltdown in front of anyone, he runs to the bathroom. He locks himself in there and slides down to the floor.

 

Louis silently sobs until he feels no more tears left in him.

  


They're there when he gets out. Harry and Niall sitting in the couch, waiting.

 

“I need to see him.” Louis says, he closes his eyes realizing he can't talk like he's still around.

 

It gets the point across.

 

\---

 

Niall drives them to the cemetery this time. It's sunny out, contradicting to what Louis feels. He goes with it. They got white lilies on the way, Louis was objecting but Harry convinced him.

 

After Louis is informed of Zayn's grave he walks slowly towards it. Harry and Niall stay behind, observing from afar.

 

It's odd and out of place, Louis doesn't belong here, Zayn doesn't either.

 

The tears stopped a long time ago, all he feels is numbness— but he walks, he walks because he doesn't have a choice.

 

He sees it. He drops to the ground, his knees hitting hard against the green grass. The grave is cold and surreal.

 

_Rest in Peace Zayn Malik_

_Beloved son, brother and friend._

 

There’s dead flowers surrounding his grave, Louis despises it so he removes them and places his own.

 

“Zayn, how could I forget about you like that? Forget you were gone, keep you in my thoughts like that. You didn't deserve it.” Louis puts his head down, feeling where Zayn now rests.

 

He tells him about the last months, he tells him he loves him and misses him. He doesn't want to leave but it feels like eternity has passed. He needs to let go. Maybe it's good, maybe it's the closure he needed.

 

With his head down he makes it back to his friends. When he gets there, Liam is there, holding him tight. Everything is sad around him. And everyone.

 

“I got you this,” Liam says, placing a chain around his neck, it's a silver one, simple. “Whenever you're ready, you can place it here. You'll have him around.”

 

The ring, that's what Liam means. He smiles softly at him, it's such a nice gesture. But thinking about it, Louis will always have him in his heart.

 

The boys all walk back together, silently, as if they're giving Zayn a moment of silence. He deserves that.

 

The rest of the day is passed in Liam's place. Louis didn't want to be in that apartment anymore, at least not for now. It brings back bad memories. They hang with each other, all good vibes. Louis does believe that.

  


He doesn't get his life together after that but Louis can definitely say that it's better. Some days are better than others, sometimes it's hard to get out of bed, but with the help he's getting, it makes it better. His scars start fading out.

 

Louis decided to try out therapy and it's helping him so much, plus the medicine makes it simpler. His friends make it even better. He's glad and he's happy.

 

And he also got a little companion he adores very much, Luna. A week after he visited Zayn, he decided to get something that symbolizes the whole roller coaster he went through.

 

He went to the animal shelter determined to find something. He found her, lounging around in her cage, big green eyes and a black coat that looked like the it was the softest. In some other time he would've considered it as bad luck. Not in this case, he took her home, she represented his new start.

 

Night is just settling, the apartment’s mid dark as Louis’ getting home from work. Luna rubs  at his legs. She makes Louis feel better.

 

His room is bearable cold, he wasn't alone after all.

 

The silver chain dangles from his neck as he sets his stuff down, maybe a reminder that he should do what he has been avoiding for this long.

 

Louis slowly opens the desk drawer and takes out the blue box and the note next to it. He is extra careful when he places the chain inside the ring, it blends in beautifully.

 

As if it was the finishing touch it needed.

 

He hesitantly grabs the note and rests his back against the headboard, getting as comfortable as he can. Luna follows him and snuggles herself right next to him, he takes the time to caress her silky black fur. She purrs happily.

 

Louis takes deep breaths, he feels his throat tightening but he must go on. He needs to do this.

 

The paper looks old but readable, it's like it wants to be read.

 

Carefully and slowly, Louis unfolds the note. All he knows of Zayn crashes down into tiny words scrambled on paper. It's all him.

 

The daylight is still sort of visible, it allows light to come in troughs the window and make it easier for Louis to read. He holds onto the ring that's around his neck, he holds it hard he feels it there, pushing through his fist.

 

_Louis, this is probably a terrible idea. One because I'm nervous and two because we promised we wouldn't do this until we were ready. Breaking a promise isn't a great way to start, is it? There's no turning back now, so I might as well do it._

 

_I don't care how cheesy this sounds but I want to be with you until we're old and wrinkly, until we both forget our names. You make the butterflies in my stomach fly freely whenever you're around me, you complete my life and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. You bring so much happiness to my life and I'm eternally grateful for it, I would be nothing without you. I love you, dearly._

 

_My lover, my friend, my world; we might not have the family we wanted for ourselves but we can change that and give out what we never received. I know you want this as much as I do, so, would you fulfill my dream and marry me?_

 

_You will never be alone, love._

 

Louis feels the tears running down his face, he feels every single word cling to his body, to his soul. It's real. What they had was real. And just like that, he finally gets the relieve he's been longing for. He lets go of everything, he lets go of Zayn. He's much better now, he's resting.

 

Luna cuddles into Louis, tapping her little paw on his leg. He pets her until she's content again.

 

He keeps on holding onto the ring, it's everything he needed and with that, he lets go. Finally.

 

_I know._

  



End file.
